Boy, was the first week of the 2010 US Open juicy! So, let’s get right to it.

First of all, more shocking than Andy Roddick’s second round loss was Serena Williams’ face! Am I the only one who noticed she had major face work done??? I can’t find mention of it anywhere. I was shocked when I saw her appearance. She looks like a young Asian girl!

There’s nothing wrong with freshening-up every now and again, especially if you don’t look great to begin with, so I’m not putting Serena down for changing her looks a taste. And she still has the same big body and horrible pointy nails. What I am questioning is just how she’s confusing her face with her feet!

She’s stated the the reason she couldn’t play in the US Open this year is that she somehow cut her feet on broken glass that she didn’t know was all over the floor of a restaurant in Munich, but doesn’t seem to have any details. And she was shot at her very recent birthday party wearing heels. If it was true about her feet, why hasn’t she named the establishment and sued them? Their negligence would have lead to her missing out on hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of dollars!

Serena's OLD face. At the very least she had a shave, which you can tell she needed.

So, here’s my theory: she didn’t want to play at the Open this year for several reasons, and she needed an excuse. And at the same time she could have surgical facial improvements. Here are my points:

Firstly, she was ousted last year when her atrocious behavior led to her receiving a point penalty for poor sportsmanship. (You can read all about it here: www.itsnotaboutme.tv/news/2009/10/12/sports. ) So she didn’t want everyone to be talking about it again, which you know they would. It would have been the main topic in all of her press conferences. And she didn’t need the tournament to maintain her number one ranking; only two other players could take it away from her by winning, and she was counting on that not happening. (One is already out, and the other has never won a Major.) By the time she shows up at next year’s tournament, the media will be onto some other story.

Also, the US Open put her on probation last year, so if she had one more outburst, she’d be banned permanently. So, she didn’t need the money, fame, or ranking protection, so she could sit this one out. And maybe even give her big sis, Venus, a better chance to advance, without going through Serena, as they would possibly have to do each tournament to win. What better time for plastic surgery?

But she needed an excuse for the WTA, the governing body of women’s tennis, who might sanction her if she didn’t play a Major when healthy and not retired. (I honestly don’t know all their rules.) So, she concocted the foot surgery one. If someone checked hospital records, they would see she did indeed have surgery. Only it was on her face! And, if the photogs shot her leaving a hospital or doctor’s office, the excuse is her feet. Pretty clever actually.

Again, this is only a theory, but check her before-and-after pix. She may have also had foot surgery, but even before I saw her face, I thought something was fishy with the cut-glass story. Just no one is calling her on it. She has no mandatory press conferences, so she doesn’t have to answer any questions about any of it. And the actual tennis commentators tiptoe around the Williams sisters all the time because they don’t want to be accused of racism, which wouldn’t really be the case at all, so they never do much of anything but kiss her ample rear-end. And there’s enough for the whole staff to work on.

So, for the first time ever, I must laud her on this wonderful deception. The press is asking her about her feet, rather than her awful outburst last year, and she gets to look better! And she gives Venus a better chance at winning, or at least of getting to the final. (We don’t know if they would have to play each other along the way because Serena wasn’t in the draw, as she had already declined to enter when it was worked-out.) And we, the audience, don’t have to be subjected to watching her play! It’s actually much easier to tune in knowing she’s not there. There are no losers in this one.

Of course, this whole thing is not our business, and she has every right to play or not play whatever she likes. (Well, actually, there are rules about that, but you know what I mean.) And the plastic surgery idea is all speculation on my part, but I’m pretty sure I’m correct on this one.

But even a new and improved visage couldn’t improve Serena’s behavior. She was as rude as ever, even as solely an audience member. As a participant, she would know more than anyone that it’s disruptive to the players on-court for audience members to enter while they’re playing. That’s why the ushers hold late-comers or coming-back-from-the-grounds folks until the change-overs for the players. But, because she seems to feel she’s above everyone, she came in during play, and the ushers let her because she’s Serena Williams. Terrible. What kind-of fit would she have thrown if someone entered the stadium, and especially moved to an up-close seat, if she were the one on the court? I shudder to imagine.

And, as if that weren’t bad enough, she was chatting up a storm, and texting, every time the camera caught her! Oh, when she wasn’t nodding-off, that is. Players should know better. It’s like if an actor visited another actor’s play and then sat in the audience doing things that any actor on stage would be annoyed by. The people in each profession should have the most exemplary behavior in their own fields.

Anyway, now I’m out of time and room to discuss all the other goings-on of Week One. So, that column will be up tomorrow, and I hope you get to read it because there was lots to praise about other players. And then there’s Andy Roddick. He abused a linesperson, too, the other night, just in case anyone did miss Serena.

Oh, last thing I just remembered–the other night, one of the McEnroe bros asked her what she wanted to be remembered for, meaning which title or titles. And she answered something to the effect that she wanted it to be as the tennis player who did so much to help the world. (I’m paraphrasing. ) And then she tried to list her charitable works, but they accidentally cut her off. Just the day before, in another interview, the really lovely and much-loved Kim Clijsters, who beat Serena last year, said, when asked, that she doesn’t want to list her good deeds (again, paraphrasing,) because everyone performs them and should just do so without having to let everyone know about them. And that’s what I’m talking about.

[By the way, I really do hate being this snarky in a public forum, rather than with just my pals.  and since I don't know the woman personally, she may be nice, who knows.  But I just feel that her public behavior is so worng so often, that I must call her on some of it.  But I really do appluad her new face.]

Yesterday, I told you about the first three gifting suites I attended to celebrate the 2010 Emmys. If you missed that column, please go back and read it, as well, or you’ll lose out on learning about some really great new products.

To be fair to all, I’m using the same opening as I did for the other column, so if you’ve read it before, just skip right down to the fabulous GBK Suite. Otherwise, here it is:

Another awards show, another round of gifting suites. YAY!!! Exhausting as they are, there’s no place I’d rather be. Still nursing this seemingly-never-ending disk problem, I could make it to only five. Did I just say “ONLY???” How many more can one bon vivette do? In just three days, to boot.

And let me tell you, this was one of the best rounds of suites EVER!!! I just don’t know how the organizers continue to raise their game. It was all very impressive, even to this jaded suites-goer.

Also impressive is the fact that most of them have a charity component this year. The organizers donate a percentage of the profits to a specific charity, with some of the sponsors and celebs donating even more. If you go to the sites I’ve listed, you can see how you can get in on the giving, as well. I always feel that by doing something for others, the donors wind-up with the biggest benefits, in spirit, soul and good feelings.

Here are the last two I attended, (because I was too exhausted to continue after them!,) in order of my visits.

GBK TIC TAC MINTS LUXURY GIFT LOUNGE

Loyal readers know how much I love this company’s suites, without exception. They continuously surprise us, but always with the same high quality. I was happy to see it back at the SLS Hotel, where it truly lives up to the original concept of “suites.” Each suite here seemed to have a different theme, and they were all fabulous!

Luckily for my back, most of the sponsors here show us their wares and then send them, so we don’t get laden down with goodies, which should be called “greaties” at GBK! (Presenters and nominees do receive them on-site in humongous duffel bags that a helper carries.) But it also means that I have fewer to tell you about right now, because I like to at least look over all items, if not actually use them right away, before I write them up. But I will post follow-up columns down the line, as all the gifts come in and I have some time with them, so please continue to check this site daily. (Hint: my two absolutely favorite new products are from this suite and should be en route as I write. One is clothing and the other freshens clothing, so the cleaning-obsessed Mr. X and I will both be happy.) [Update: Fresh Cloz just arrived! I’m so excited! I’ll write more about it in the follow-up column, after we’ve used it. But Mr. X already loves it just by looking at the box! www.freshcloz.com.]

GBK was supporting three charities this year. They are:

The Ann & George Lopez Foundation–among other things, they help to increase community awareness about kidney disease and organ donation. For those of who don’t know, the comedian’s wife donated a kidney to him. And I thought Mr. X was great for flat-ironing my hair! www.thelopezfoundation.org

CancerCare–this is a national nonprofit organization that provides free, professional support services for anyone affected by cancer, which includes families and caregivers, and I’m sure is much-needed and even more appreciated. www.cancercare.org

Hollywood Arts– this educational facility “uses art and music-based learning to help high-risk young people over the age of 18 improve self-esteem, develop thinking skills, master educational concepts and receive job-readiness training.” Very admirable. www.hollywood-arts.org

There are still wonderful items to tell you about right now, including some of my faves, like the first one on the list:

Pinup Couture–I love these fabulous Old-Hollywood-style train cases! They’re so gorgeous. I chose basic black, with a leopard satin interior. I plan to channel Marilyn Monroe when I carry it, as did the two cute girls who represented the company. One was even pregnant, but she rocked her red satin skintight dress nonetheless! www.pinupgirlclothing.com

TC Fine Intimates–having gained weight from not walking for a few months this year, due to my back injury, I’ve never needed these slimming undergarments more! And, seriously, their new line of intimates is attractive enough to wear as clothing. From now on, Mr. X will never see me naked angain–only in my TC Fine Intimates. Trust me, he’ll be happier this way. www.tcfineintimates.com

Revitalash–what fabulous female doesn’t know about Revitalash lash-enhancer? Well, now they’ve added two products to the line, that already included one to revitalize hair. I’m excited to try-out the new brow conditioner, and even more so for the mascara. Now I’ll have no excuse to not look my best. www.revitalash.com

Backseat Driver Baby–finally, a company that’s named after ME! It’s really a line of cotton baby clothing and accessories that feature pictures of cars and other automotives. www.backseatdriverbaby.com

Beyond The Rack–this is a shopping site, so I don’t know how it works yet because I have no time for shopping right now, on-line or otherwise. But we received gift certificates for it, so I’ll ask Mr. X, who has shopping mania, to go on there real soon and get me something wonderful. With their always-sale prices, that should be pretty easy. And I think the site owner is a genius to have come up with this one! www.beyondtherack.com

My Happy Feet–actually, my feet are happy now that I have these colorful socks that align your feet. Could there be a more perfect gift to use after a week of gifting suites? I think not. www.my-happyfeet.com

City Life Spa–on the lovely SLS Hotel patio on my way out of the suite, I got a mini-massage from Christine Fieseler of this spa. I was in luck because she really knew how to work with herniated disks. I’ll be visiting this close-by facility for a full working-over as soon is the US Open wraps. Don’t mock me–it’s almost as tough work to watch every second of it as it looks like it is to play in it! www.lacitylife.net

You know I rarely care about working actors, famous or not, (except for Mr. X and me, of course,) but for those of you who do, during my visit to GBK, I spied the most famous faces of any suite. I saw cast members from Lost, The Good Wife, (including the girl who won the Emmy for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama the next night, Archie Punjabi) and 24,which are among the few shows I watch.

So, on every level, GBK had it all once again. Don’t forget to check back regularly for more updates on other fabulous items from there.

ALIVE EXPO AND MIXMEDIA SUITE

This is one I hadn’t been to in several awards shows. (So many suites, so little time.) But they have an adorable new PR team, (Star Press, with Misty and Lonnie taking care of us,) so I put it back on my list, and ended Emmys Week with it. It was at the London Hotel, one of my new favorite venues.

As I had remembered, this suite featured mainly snacks and some health-related items, rather than big gifts. I was hungry at that point, and hurting from carrying the big bags at all the rest of the suites, so this situation was just fine with me by then.

To begin, we had delightful tidbits from Ingrid’s Café in Beverly Hills. She’s been popping-up everywhere this season! I can’t wait till her Grand Re-opening this Fall. www.ingridscafe.com

Creameez was a popular booth at this one, too, (another snack I’ve seen all over recently,) with their mini-cupcakes. I brought a few home to enjoy with milk, but Mr. X scarfed them all when I wasn’t looking! So glad he enjoyed them. www.creameez.com

A new one to me was Arlana’s Gourmet Cookies. Again, Mr. X got to them before I did, and loved the Maple Walnut and Oatmeal Raisin ones. Unfortunately for me, the rest they gave me were sugar cookies, which neither of us eats, so I can’t give you any of my own opinions at this time. At least Mr. X’s habits are helping me diet! www.agcookies.com

There were a couple of foodie gifts, as well. My absolute favorite was bottles of specialty olive oils, courtesy of Olive Oil and Beyond. I got basic flavors, but they have a whole bunch of interesting ones, too. And guess who uses this product in my house? You’re right if you guessed it was yet another food item for Mr. X! www.oliveoilandbeyond.com

There was also Hawaiian Sea Salt, which is touted to have high mineral count and low sodium. Health-conscious pals always tell me to stop using table salt, so I can’t wait to try this one and see the difference. www.celticseasalt.com

In the jewelry category, I picked-out really fun dangling earrings courtesy of High Drama. www.highdrama.etsy.com

Bug It Off insect repellent will sure come in handy in my backyard. And the clubs!  www.greenerways.com

Since I love services much more than material gifts, (note to my birthday party guests: do you hear that?,) so I’m really looking forward to using my hair treatment certificate at Icon Salon. They gave us a product to whet out appetites. And our hair! www.iconsalon.us

I left there wearing funny fake pink eyelashes, applied by the lovely and adorable Christina Baldemian of Pop Cosmetics. After such a wild week-end of suites, Mr. X actually thought I looked normal!

Speaking of wild week-ends, I wish you all a very happy, and safe, Labor Day week-end. Meet you back here on Tuesday!

Another awards show, another round of gifting suites. YAY!!! Exhausting as they are, there’s no place I’d rather be. Still nursing this seemingly-never-ending disk problem, I could make it to only five. Did I just say “ONLY???” How many more can one bon vivette do? In just three days, to boot.

And let me tell you, this was one of the best rounds of suites EVER!!! I just don’t know how the organizers continue to raise their game. It was all very impressive, even to this jaded suites-goer.

Also impressive is the fact that most of them have a charity component this year. The organizers donate a percentage of the profits to a specific charity, with some of the sponsors and celebs donating even more. If you go to the sites I’ve listed, you can see how you can get in on the giving, as well. I always feel that by doing something for others, the donors wind-up with the biggest benefits, in spirit, soul and good feelings.

Since I loved every suite, and want to give each its proper due, (unlike many other attendees who simply print a cursory list,) I’ll review the first three today and the latter two tomorrow. Please make sure to read both or you’ll miss out on some wonderful product finds.

Here are the first three, in order of my visits.

BEAUTY BAR

I started off my Emmys Suites week with a much-needed visit to the Beauty Bar at the Byron & Tracey Salon in Beverly Hills. This was a first-time suite and became an instant winner! For viewers of my former show, you know I’m familiar with many salons, and this one is just spectacular in every way. It looks beautiful, is in a part of Beverly Hills where it’s easy to park, and I found my favorite stylist of all time! Read on. www.byronandtracey.com

My new best friend, stylist Danny Rishoff at the Byron and Tracey Salon.

His name is Danny Rishoff and he’s just a dream come true on every level. He even knows what krump dancing is! Okay, I’ve just got to rave about him for a minute here. The main thing for my mane is that he looks great himself. I just hate it when people look bad in their supposed category of expertise. (Manicurists with bad nails, facialists with bad skin, plastic surgeons who look like they could use some themselves, or had too much, etc.)

Next, Danny’s proud of his mother, so you know he’s a good guy. He and I were both lauding our literary moms, which usually doesn’t happen with one so young. (By “young,“ I mean both of us! No snickering.) And he has an appreciation of Old Hollywood. He’s truly a kid parents can be proud of, which actually isn’t all that common nowadays. At least it’s not common for me to think so!

Anyway, Danny did wonders for my hair. He even gave me my bangs back after about nine months of pushing them to the side. I felt so much better when I left with a new hair style and a new best friend!!!

I would have loved to see what this new-ish salon did with my color, which they were also offering at the suite, but alas, I had just had it done in NY. But that gives me something to look forward to for next time.

When I could pry myself away from hanging with Danny, which wasn’t easy, cute little Kelly Nguyen gave me a mani/pedi. That was a week ago, and they’re still holding up, which doesn’t happen very often, especially after four more suites visits!

In-between, I snacked on lovely food and drink served by adorable waiters. Then just when I was about to leave, I was apprised of the gifting garden! I almost missed it!

The Redken ladies were lovely and knowledgable and hooked me up with tons of fabulous products to keep my hair healthy and beautiful. www.redken.com

Koolaburra was showing off its new line of sheepskin boots, but I was so hot that I chose sandals…with the sheepskin inside the straps! Now I can be cool and hot at the same time. In oh so many ways. www.koolaburra.com

For a twist, rather than give us coffee this time, Café Bustelo gifted us with bright yellow fanny-packs and tank tops. Which is perfect for me because I don’t drink coffee, but I do get dressed. Occasionally. www.cafebustelo.com

[Note: There were a couple of more gifts, but they’re being sent, so, as with any on the way from other suites, too, I’ll tell you about them in a follow-up column down the line.]

I’m thrilled I chose to go to this suite first because now I was beautiful and refreshed for my other suites visits over the following two days.

SECRET ROOM STYLE LOUNGE

I love that the Secret Room Lounge changes venues often. It makes it truly a secret! And very interesting for us frequent guests. This time, it was held in The Penthouse of the Petersen Automotive Museum. I know this revelation is shocking, but in all my years of being L.A.’s top Bon Vivette, I’ve never been here! I couldn’t believe it myself! It looked really interesting, but with so many suites to get to, I didn’t have time to check-out the museum itself. But now I have something else to look forward to.

This suite had the most mouth-watering displays, from cupcakes and candy to purses and shoes. Yum-my! So let’s get to them.

Secret Room’s charity of choice was Operation Smile, a very wonderful organization that provides free surgery to children worldwide who have facial deformities, such as cleft lips and cleft palates. You really should read more about it. www.operationsmile.org

Telling you about the treats I found at the suite seems frivolous after reading about all the good that Operation Smile does, but life goes one, and I must laud the fabulous sponsors. So, here are my favorites:

GrupoMenbur Purses–when I entered the suite, I was immediately drawn to this display of stunning evening purses. I picked-up one just to tell the girl from the company how gorgeous and mouth-watering it is, and they said I can choose that one, if I liked, or any other one. It actually was a hard choice, but the silver sparkly one, with a black velvet side bow, was just too overwhelmingly beautiful to pass up. www.grupomenbur.com

So Danca Shoes–these were the other highlight gift of this suite!!! The personnel could not have been cheerier or more helpful. And the girls were perfect advertisements for the sexy Brazilian shoes because they all looked great in them! There were at least ten pairs I wanted, but I’m thrilled with the navy stiletto pumps I chose. I’m holding them as a carrot to my herniated disk to get it to hurry and heal so I can get styling’ in my Muicha heels. www.sodanca.com www.miucha.com

Test Tube–only Mr. X, who has to live with my beauty-mania, can truly know how much I love this brilliant concept from New Beauty magazine! I forgot to pick mine up at a past function, and lament the loss still! What it is is a giant see-through tube with beaucoup products from companies who are leaders in the world of beauty. This one featured, among other items, Moroccan Oil, which Danny had just used on my hair in the previous suite, and all kinds of facial potions that I’m dying to try. And the best part is that there’s a pamphlet explaining each product and just how to use it. Loving it! www.newbeauty.com

Melissa Lew Necklaces–these are little bamboo disks featuring different inspirational messages written in Chinese characters. I was hoping for one that stood for “weight loss,” but when Melissa and I discovered one that represented “vigor, glory, spirit, and truth,” she said, “That should just about cover it!” After I left, she probably drew up one for herself to save her from nutty journalists! www.melissalew.com

Lashem–this table was manned by the nicest, best-looking girls. It’s a new lash-enhancing product that I’ll try right away, especially since they told me that crying won’t affect it. (I had to explain that I still cry over Clarence all the time, to find out if tears will mess it up, which it won’t, and they were totally understanding.) One was even holding back the tears herself.) www,lashem.com

Visine–while we’re on my crying jags, let me tell you about Visine’s two new products, which I’ve never needed more. They’re Total Eyes Soothing Wipes and Maximum Redness Relief Formula drops, and prove that often, the simplest of gifts is the most welcome. www.visine.com

Belly Buds–these are headphones for pregnant women, that you attach to the belly, so that babies can get a head start on their music educations. I was hoping they were also for chubby chicks like me, so that I could play over and over on the phones, “Fat–get out of there!” It’s worth a try! www.bellybuds.com

Giving Bands–remember skinny jelly bracelets? Well, these are ones with charms attached. Each one is to help a different charity, and are cute at the same time. And the best part is that they’re assembled by people with disabilities, so, by buying and wearing them, we’re helping everyone all the way around, including ourselves because we get to fun, stylish and good people. www.charitycharms.com

Earthly Body–even though all the boys tell me that my body is divine, I’m looking forward to trying these natural hair products made with hemp. www.earthlybody.com

Cynergy–this company offers a product that will eliminate your tattoos! Too bad all those skanky chicks who cheated with Jesse James weren’t at the suite–they should just bathe in it! www.elimininktattooremoval.net

All the while, we had some really fun snacks to keep us going:

American Cupcakes–the slogan of this San Francisco cupcake shop is “Just like your mother never made.” Boy, they can sure say that again! That’s why I became a restaurant critic to begin with!!! Because my little mo was a teacher, she had not time to cook or teach me kitchen skills. Isn’t Mr. X the lucky one? These mini-gems were beautiful as well as delicious. I especially liked the chocolate on chocolate, but the one with a “balloon” sticking out of it was just adorable and reminded me of my former career as a circus girl. www.americancupcake.com

The Fry Girl–speaking of not cooking, these girls set up a whole frying situation right on the penthouse patio. We had fries with different sauces, and mini-doughnuts with assorted sugar toppings. www.thefrygirlinc.com

Secret Room usually gives us an additional overstuffed goodie bag on the way out, which is my favorite part of any suite, with different products they feel we should know about. And they’re always right! But even though I was a tad disappointed they didn’t do those this time, I was actually happy because I just couldn’t carry even one more ounce of gifts! And there’s really no need to gild the lily at this always-fabulous suite that I look so forward to every time.

BELLA STYLE GARDEN

I had heard about Anita Thompson’s suites before, but I was a virgin at this one. (Nice to be one again, actually.) It was at a private estate close to my house, so it was a bonus to end the second day there, poolside in the luscious garden, where they even served a buffet of Italian food to the hungry masses. There were many sponsors I had never known of before, so each booth-visit was a treat.

In addition to throwing this great party, Bella Fortuna was raising funds and awareness for Children Uniting Nations, whose purpose is to improve “the lives of at-risk and foster youth through positive mentoring and academic advocacy.” Very worthy cause. www.childrenunitingnations.org

The scene was set as we entered through the gorgeous display from Fabuluxe Lounge, a company who “dresses” events. And let me tell you just how mouth-watering their area looked! It tasted even better with a colorful candy bar by Candee By Sandee, one of the nicest sponsors I’ve ever met. www.candeebysandee.com www.so-fabuluxe.com

Here’re the rest of my favorite products at Bella Fortuna:

DaLita Moda Jewelry–I love my feminine chain-and-lace bracelet designed by this lovely girl whose mother was one of her helpers for the day, beaming with pride. Nice family and gorgeous jewelry–a perfect combination. www.dalitamoda.com

In Styler–I’m so excited to have received this hair tool that we’ve all seen on TV! They had a stylist on-hand to show us how to use it, but I didn’t take advantage of it because Danny had just done my hair [see the first suite above for those deets,] and I didn’t want to change it right then. I hope Mr. X will help me try it out. He hopes I’ll figure it out for myself. Which one of us will win? www.getinstyler.com

Bare Ease–something that every woman needs! This numbing system, that is used before bikini waxes and laser treatments, was designed by a female anesthesiologist, so she knows what we all go through. The only time I had my underarms and legs waxed, the technician was crying from how much pain I was in! That won’t happen again with this product. And their website is beautiful. www.bareease.com

Dermera Acne Treatment–the two girls who manned this booth had gorgeous skin themselves, so they were great advertisements for their product. I have a couple of pals who are tortured by acne, so I can’t wait to pass this simple 3-step regimen on to them. www.dermera.com

Sibelle Chic–these lovely ladies from Canada doled-out their handmade stainless steel pendants that they were wisely displaying on a leather jacket. They’ll go perfectly with motorcycle attire, I would think. And you must read their funny disclaimer! www.sibellechic.com

Susan Jones Glass Jewelry–each hand-blown bead is unique and colorful. And will look great hanging on a chain against all the ecru colors of Fall.  www.susanjonesdesigns.com

Rolling Razors–It turns-out that Mr. X is already a fan of these! Now we are the proud owners of his-and-hers razors, so we will be the least-hairy couple in town. www.rollingrazors.com

Lastly, I had forgotten long ago that the whole idea of gifting suites to begin with was to gift celebrities! Nowadays it’s basically working actors rather than celebs, but since you never know just who will become really famous down-the-line, it’s still a great place for sponsors to get their products seen. So I was happy to see Dancing With The Stars’ Karina Smirnoff walking around the grounds. I used to see her around town more often, but haven’t since she broke-up with Maksim Chmerkovskiy last year around this time. I think that I was more heart-broken than he was because I love fun couples. She looked great, but once again, the show saddled her with a lummox, The Idiot Situation, so I fear that she may be leaving the show early again.

Please remember to check back tomorrow for my reviews of the GBK and Alive suites. There’ll be lots of good stuff to lean about!

I’m so sorry that this won’t be as long, or entertaining, as usual, but in-between at least twelve hours a day of the US Open and writing my always juicy Gifting Suites columns, I just didn’t have that much time to devote to this years actual Emmys show. Of course I still have many thoughts on it, some not funny, just honest, so here they are. (The red carpet inanities will get their own column.)

Jimmy Fallon was the perfect host! I just think more of him each time I see him perform. He was funny, moved the show along, and didn’t try to make it about him. You go, boy!

But the stupid “twitter” intros were a gigantic waste of time! Just pay the usual comedy writers and hope for the best. (While usually getting the worst.) The intros are the most unimportant part of the evening. Or just have the presenters write them themselves, like they do with program bios! That might be amusing next year. (And remember–I’m the one who came up with that!)

The opening was great! The only problem with it is that there was a chick in the group singing number who Mr. X and I had no idea who she was! We know the Glee cast, Jorge Garcia, Tina Fey, and Betty White, of course. (BTW–she’s always been fabulous, but, for some unknown reason, it became fashionable to be a fan of hers this year–who decides these things???) We even know who creepy Kate Gosselin is because of her groan-inducing Dancing With The Stars stint last season. But just who was that other one? Perhaps a contest winner, like they do on music shows sometimes?

I’ve never seen Lauren Graham act, but at least we know her fashion sense sucks! Why was she wearing a diaper pinned to her chest? Was she planning on drooling over someone? Or perhaps she was planning on burping a baby backstage. Or perhaps it was really a lobster bib, and they interrupted her seafood dinner to go out there and present.

I never saw Steve Levitan before, the creator and producer of Modern Family, but he was just great. I loved his speeches, which were perfect on every level, and he was kind-of cute-looking. He’s doesn’t have my usual type of looks, but he just seemed like an all-around adorable man.

Edie Falco won for best actress in a comedy??? Her winning in that category is the only funny thing about it!

The above statement shows us that the academy must instate a new category for “dramadies” next year. I’m actually not joking about this one.

Why can’t they present the “Guest Star” winners on the air? I really feel that there’s a way to do it. Although, this year, with not a lot of unnecessary filler like they usually have, the show ended exactly when planned.

No one was more deserving of his or her award than Jim Parsons. I actually cried when his name was announced! He’s absolutely brilliant on Big Bang Theory. He blows us away every episode. I don’t think that there’s one other actor on earth who could have filled this role. My only slight problem with seeing him talk, which I’ve done only once before, is that he seemed almost as weird as his character. And did he get even skinnier recently? I hope he’s healthy.

I never saw Aaron Paul from Breaking Bad before, but I had read of how deserving he was from several sources. But, when I heard him speak, I asked Mr. X, “What does he show us?” The answer is–that smoking really does stunt your growth. (He’s short and sounds like he’s a heavy smoker, in case you missed my humor on that one. It might be only a visual.)

Claire Danes is so much better-looking as a woman than she was as a girl. She finally grew into her face.

Was Al Pacino channeling his pal, Robert DeNiro, in his acceptance speech? We all know that Bobby D can’t speak without written lines (and then does better than just everyone else,) but I hadn’t realized that Al has no personality either. His speech was really disappointing.

Kyra Sedgwick is really talented and appears to be a lovely person, so I feel bad saying this, but someone must–her hair was the absolute worst I’ve ever seen on an awards show!!! I wouldn’t even sit around the house by myself with hair like that!

But I really do like the team of Kyra and her husband, Kevin Bacon. There are too few of us show business folk in long-term relationships, and I always feel good to see another couple like Mr. X and me. Although I have a feeling the Bacons don’t tell the neighbors they’re rehearsing Who’s Afraid Of Virginia Woolf all the time.

I thought it was wonderful that Mick Jackson, the director of the TV movie about a real-life Doctor of Animal Science who’s autistic, Temple Grandin, who was in attendance, talked directly to her in his acceptance speech.

The song that Jewel sang for the In Memoriam segment, (that she actually wrote for a late friend of hers,) was really touching. And it didn’t get in the way of thinking about these departed television personalities. I was especially mournful when they showed our old pal, Lynn Redgrave. I still can’t believe she’s gone.

And I guess the Academy forgot that Clarence, The Singing Dog was the co-star of Karen’s Restaurant Revue for all those years! But I guess they always leave out someone. (I hope you all know that I’m not serious about this. But I did say it jokingly to Mr. X after because Jewel’s song made me picture him in that tribute.)

Ricky Gervais was even funnier than usual. I don’t think that Bucky Gunts appreciated his humor, but we in this house sure did.

I’m sick that Conan O’Brien didn’t win! My mouth was watering to hear his speech all day! I was wringing my hands in anticipation! I was even reciting for Mr. X what I thought Conan would say. And then…nothing. What a missed opportunity.

Modern Family was the most deserving show winner of the night. Period.

And speaking of Modern Family, I have to finish with a note about Sophia Vergara. In case you didn’t know, her boyfriend had a bad car accident recently, and is still in the hospital. On both the red carpet and the show, she was all lovely and smiling, in the spirit of the evening, and kept her pain to herself. She didn’t complain or ruin anyone else’s time, but Mr. X said he could see she was hurting. I was wondering how she was able to hold it together to even attend, but I’m really glad she did. I try to never have a bad event stop something good, because I don’t want “bad” to triumph over “good.” It’s too long a concept to explain here, so suffice it to say that I’m thrilled she went and that her show won, and I wish for a speedy recovery for her guy.

I promise that all my Emmys columns will be up this week, but I just saw the list for the new season of Dancing With The Stars, and I must weigh in. ENOUGH ALREADY!!! There are no “stars” involved! Why don’t they just re-name the show Dancing With Some No-Talents Who A Few People With No Lives Of Their Own Have Heard Of???

Former footballer Kurt Warner, the only new cast member I even slightly care about.

The show is now just plain crap. It’s been going downhill for quite awhile, but it’s a joke when every single one of the professional dancers is more famous than any of their supposedly famous partners!!! The Situation, (a phrase I’ve been using for years, I might add!,) Audrina Patridge, (someone I’ve never even laid eyes on and have no idea what she does,) Rick Fox, Margaret Cho, Kyle Massey (another one I’ve never heard of even one time)–these are “stars???”

And Bristol Palin. Just how is she a star? Because she got knocked-up as a teen-ager and has a mother who kills moose??? That’s what makes someone a star by today’s standards? So, what are Brad Pitt, George Clooney, and Julia Roberts? The new cast shows exactly why this show can’t get any real celebrities–because it’s become so low-class that no one who’s really a star wants to do it anymore. The cast members of recent memory go on Dancing… so that they can then get a career; they’re not on it because they currently have one.

I feel awful for my little mother, who used to love the show. Now she describes them by what they look like because she doesn’t know their names! Guess what, Ma? No one does! They need to stop wasting our time. (At least she’ll get to see someone she likes, David Hasselhoff, to whom she refers as “the handsome man.” I don’t have the heart to break the news to her that she’s pretty much alone in her evaluation of him.)

I know, I know–I don’t have to watch if I’m not interested. But, since I’m such a fan of dance, in general, and there’s not too much of it on the tube, I tune in to see the excellent choreography and pros. And just try to not let my blood boil too much from the inanity of it all.

Yet another of my crazy obsessions begins today–tennis’ U.S. Open. I watch every second of it, as I do Wimbledon. But, as this is held in New York, as opposed to England, the times work out better for me, because I like to watch it live, for several reasons. One is that if the broadcast goes over the time allotted by the network, they often change to another station, which we, the viewers, wouldn’t know about unless we were watching live.

Another is that I’m always afraid someone will leave me a message, or send an email, with results before I see them for myself. (Rules Of Engagement echoed my mania recently on an episode where Jeff went to a party hoping no one would ruin a hockey play-off for him, which he was recording at home. So I guess I’m not the only one who’s nuts. Well, in that category anyway.)

So, I’m letting you know about my hermit status for the next two weeks, just in case you try to get in touch with me and I don’t get back to you right away. Most of my communications will be in the middle of the night, when I finally get a second. [Note: I will still be posting all my Emmys Suites and Musings columns daily this week, so please check back for them. They’re juicy!]

People always ask me why I have to watch every second of the tennis proceedings, and not just the finals. My answer is that, as in life, I’m all about the journey. Without the journey, the results don’t mean as much.

And I can enjoy this year’s U.S. Open more than many of the others I’ve lived through because Serena Williams won’t be there. Yay! She always makes my blood boil with her poor sportsmanship, excuses, and so-much-less-than-gracious play and press conferences. We can relax now and let the best, and hopefully nicest, who would be Kim Clijsters for the ladies and Roger Federer for the men, win.

Speaking of Roger, I’m so glad that he’s returned to winning form over the summer. He had had a bad year, for him, though most other players would be thrilled with his accomplishments. My little mo and I love him because he’s one of the classiest athletes ever, in addition to being the greatest tennis player of all time. We really don’t want this era to end. So, of course, we’re pulling for him with all our might.

So, if anything really interesting happens, like the once-in-a-lifetime Isner-Mahut match from this past Wimbledon, or Serena’s meltdown at last year’s Open, I will keep you posted. (I’m assuming, of course, that most of you aren’t as nutty as I am, and are going about your daily lives, rather than being glued to ESPN all day and night.) And, if I do venture out to any events during this fortnight, I’ll let you in on those goings-on, as well.

Go, Roger and Kim!!!

I promise that next week I’ll give you all the scoops on the Emmys Gifting Suites. And my thoughts on the show itself and the red carpets’ foolishness, too.

But last night I attended two really fun cocktail parties that I want to tell you about, so first things first, in the order of my visits.

BELLE COUER JEWELRY LAUNCH

This one actually had nothing to do with the Emmys, and just happened to be scheduled the week that just about everything in this town is Emmys-related. But it sounded good, and who can give up a trip to Fred Segal Santa Monica?

It was to launch the Belle Coeur Jewelry line, of which I wanted just about everything! The line is beautiful and consists mostly of my kind of basic, feminine jewelry, with lots of diamond-studded hoop earrings and the like. Most of the earrings and bracelets made my mouth water.

John manning the Creative Cuisine bar.

Speaking of mouth-watering, the tidbits served-up by Creative Cuisine, while we browsed and mingled, was just that! I could not stop eating their brilliant filet slices on toast with the most magical dressing ever! I never eat rare meat, even though I know that’s the desirable way to serve it, but I could have scarfed a hundred of these! (And just about did, as their amiable staff can tell you.)

In addition to a set-up bar manned by John, with drinks passed by Peter, there were Kevin and Danni passing three special appetizers and, later, huge dark chocolate truffles–it all was just perfect. Can’t wait to catch more of their catering at other swanky soirees around town.

GBK EMMYS SUITE PREVIEW PARTY

Classy GBK guests at the even classier buffet.

This was the party that’s the prelude to GBK’s always-incredible suite. It was held at the swanky, happening SLS Hotel in Beverly Hills, and was executed to perfection. The food and drinks were served on the lovely private back patio, and we were able stroll around the suites to peruse the goodies that will be featured at the actual event today and tomorrow. How perfect to get to leisurely plan your gift-gathering visit beforehand!

Also on the patio were the perfect party activities of manicures and massages. Nothing like getting relaxed and pampered before the craziness begins! I had already had a manicure and pedicure earlier in the day, but I was very happy to get a chair massage from Erin Rodriquez of City Life Spa. I knew she was good when she could tell I was tired just by touching my arms!

The buffet was uber-classy, and was a true treat for carnivores and herbivores alike. Beautifully laid-out, as at all SLS functions, there was quite the spread of specialty meats, such as proscuitto, salamis, and the best home-made pepperoni ever. Along with those came many cheeses, pre-cut in perfect strips, marcona almonds, and colorful veggies, such as asparagus, red peppers, and full-on carrots, in beautifully-arrayed barrels.

The Coca-Cola ladies at the manicure station at the end of the night.

For imbibers, there were cocktails made with Lombardi Lemon Liqueur, and for the rest of us, my favorite little bottles of Coke.

And they sent us home with goodie bags chock full of some of the sponsors’ most interesting products. GBK sure knows how to throw great events! I can’t wait to visit the actual suite. Look for my column about it early next week, but give me a day or two to re-charge after the sure-to-be-hectic week-end. I could probably use that massage therapist on Monday!

Last night, while watching America’s Got Talent, (please don’t judge me for that, btw,) I realized what an awful example parts of these talent shows are setting for kids! I can’t believe that it never occurred to me before. (So You Think You Can Dance is excluded from this, because dancers always seem to revere their elders and mentors. So, good for them.)

The "America's Got Talent" judging panel, with host Nick Cannon.

Actually, I’m going to digress a bit here because I just thought of something. I am incorrect for saying “good for them” in the above paragraph because people shouldn’t be lauded for being polite–that should be the norm! And I have a little parable about that to share. Then I’ll get back to my points about these shows.

When my mother and I used to spend recent summers in Aspen, she always rented a car and returned it on her way to the plane at the end of her stay. But one year, she wanted to return it the day before, to have less hassle the day of her flight. She planned to take a taxi to the airport, but my wonderful girlfriends there, who are among my favorite friends of all time, Gina, (from South Africa,) and Alex and Simone, (from Austria,) genuinely offered to take her, which even meant taking time off work and borrowing a car.

Never one to make a fuss, (seriously, except about silly things,) my mother insisted they not. Of course they went back and forth in their insistences, but my little mo won out. I still thought it was so incredibly kind of the girls, and called Alex to thank her for being so nice. She said, “Thank us for what?” I answered, “For offering to take my mother to the airport!” Without skipping a beat, she stated, in her Austrian accent, “This is not nice. This is nor-mal!” I still cry thinking about it. (As I’m doing right now.)

She was correct–it should be normal, but, unfortunately, it just isn’t. Rude is normal now, and that’s one of the biggest shames of this day and age. I love my friends in L.A., but that most of them don’t realize how rude it is to be chatting on the phone when they’re with someone or in public or in an audience, (including at my show!,) or texting, or reading, or whatever, is beyond me. And don’t get me started on what some people think is acceptable audience behavior!

So, I shouldn’t have said, “good for them,” about kids on a show respecting the judges. That’s what they should be doing! What they should not be doing is what many of the American Idol and America’s Got Talent contestants do. Which brings us back to the point of this column.

For those of you who don’t watch the plebian shows that I do, this is what I’m talking about. On American Idol, some of the kids talk back to the judges. And not really in appropriate places. One who did it right is this season’s Crystal Bowersox. She spoke intelligently and just explained herself sometimes, always thanking them no matter what. But others just responded rudely, thinking it shows some personality or something. Which, of course, it doesn’t.

Then two nights ago, two little boys from Southern California, who do hip-hop and break dancing, performed. Originally, they were quite good and really adorable. One’s five and the other ten, and we all loved seeing their friendship, as well as their talent. (I think their moms are a tad negligent, though, to let kids that young spin on their heads. Really. I believe it’s quite a danger to their necks and spines at that tender age.)

It really was their weakest performance on the show (out of the three they’ve done,) and when one of the judges, Piers Morgan, who is known as a meanie and rightfully so very often, honestly critiqued it as not their best, they started pooh-poohing him and getting the audience to boo. They were giving him the thumbs-down and waving their hands at him (like to get away,) and were just generally rude.

They’re little children, for goodness sake! What about respect your elders? Don’t talk back? Take it like a man? You can’t encourage kids to be so rude!!! I don’t know where the blame lies, though. With their parents? The producers? The host? Society in general? Probably all of the above. It really does boggle the mind.

Then, as if that wasn’t bad enough, during the results show, Howie Mandel, another of the judges, proudly announced that he’s tweeting…during the show!!! How unbelievably rude!!! Is what he has to write to strangers really that important that it can’t wait till after the show, of which he is a big part, is over??? No wonder so many people are rude–they see examples of it everywhere, from parents and authority figures to celebrities to peers. So they think it’s okay. I just don’t get it.

I don’t need society to be like it was in some of the old movies I’m so fascinated with; I’m not looking for people to call each other “Mr.” and “Miss” or anything like that. But how about some basic manners and politeness? That would such a breath of fresh air. And let it start in public.

On a positive note, on the results show last night, Jimmy Fallon was hilarious doing quick impressions of other comics. I knew he was talented, but I never realized just how much. I really appreciated the laugh at this point in my life. And you know what–he was polite the whole time.

[As the summer is winding down, I want to share with you one of my favorite July memories, from 2006. I got to tell it on my show that summer, and write about it for my Beverly Hills People column, but, for those of you who missed it, or just can‘t remember, I decided to recount it here. And I figure this is the appropriate time to re-tell this story, because yesterday I bashed two popular New York snack joints, and this takes place at my favorite one!]

I hadn’t spent a summer in Brooklyn since I was a teen-ager, (I spend parts of the other three seasons there,) so when I wound-up there for 4^th of July, I didn’t know for sure, but I was pretty certain that none of my New York friends were fun enough to celebrate. I love them, and they’re fun at other times, but not this holiday.

On the other hand, my mother’s friends, Sylvia and Luis Reichman, were good enough to take us to brunch, which is always the way to start off a holiday.

Everyone told me that the big thing to do in NY on the 4th is go shopping, which sounded strange, but when in Rome… So I tried, but Kings Highway, a big shopping district, was a ghost town. What were my friends thinking?!

On my earlier Spring trip, I had discovered the best ice cream in the world at the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, under the Brooklyn Bridge, which is my favorite structure, by the way. Always fascinating. I begged my mother to go there with me, but even my own mother deserted me. This day was making me want a twin even more than I already do!

So, I ventured to the Bridge on my own that evening, figuring everyone would be in Coney Island (the other side of Brooklyn) for the fireworks. Two minutes into the trip, I realized I was starving and felt weak, and couldn’t get to the fabulous ice cream fast enough.

When I got to the area, it was a zoo. Turns out, all of Brooklyn (and Jersey, Philly, etc.) gathers there because there’s a giant deck where you can watch the Macy’s fireworks! Who knew?!!!

All the cops were unusually nice, and by some miracle, I got to park right in front of the River Café, which is adjacent to the Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory, which is on the deck. I couldn’t believe it! (And neither can the Nervous Nellies of New York, who say you can’t park anywhere, anytime.)

It was 8:55PM, and I ran around to the front of the ice cream bungalow, thinking I’d grab a cone in time to watch the show. Then the reality–there was a line of about sixty people! And to make it worse for me, everyone seemed to have friends or family with them, which made me a tad lonely, although I knew I didn’t need another person to help me eat or see.

I talked a little to the guy behind me, Jorge, though we didn’t even do names at the time. His girlfriend, Sophia, showed up and said she thought they had just vanilla left. I said, “Oh no! I have to have Peaches and Cream!” And went on for five minutes about how delicious it is.

I finally got to the door at 9:25PM, just as they were about to close it, and the fireworks started. Everyone around me crushed into the place, but I made the executive decision that, although I was starving, craving the ice cream, and COULD make it through the door, the fireworks were more important because how often am I going to get to see the Macy’s ones in person? And so close-up?

So, I very reluctantly dropped off the line and stood on the top step of the stoop to watch. The girl next to me, Faith, said she was desperate for ice cream and that she was the first to get shut out. I was telling her my journey there, and that I had to give up the ice cream I had dreamed of since April, when I saw her look behind my back and gasp.

So, I turned around and saw a cup coming toward me and heard someone say “Peaches and Cream.” It was Jorge, who had gotten inside and surprised me with it!!! I couldn’t believe it! I thanked him profusely and tried to re-imburse him, but he just walked into the night. A truly kind, generous stranger! I said, “A Fourth of July miracle,” and started crying, (as I’m doing now even writing about it.)

Faith said, “Don’t cry, you’ll get me started, too.” I said she must share my good fortune. At first, she protested, knowing how much I wanted the ice cream, but I insisted. I knew how much she wanted it, too.

So, we got an extra spoon and happily chowed down. Sharing it made it taste that much better. And I’m a firm believer in paying it forward.

And one of the managers, named Lahsen, came out, and gave us cards for a discount on our next visit. And he lived up to it, and more, when I returned two days later with my mother. He gave me a taste of the ice cream as it was being made, before it’s frozen. I don’t even love vanilla ice cream, but that is the best substance I’ve ever tasted!

Later that week, I was perusing a Reader’s Digest of my mother’s. It said New York is the most polite city in the world. I would not have believed it if it weren’t for my true Fourth of July Miracle.

Brooklyn Ice Cream Factory at Fulton Ferry Landing Pier
718-246-3963

As a transplanted New Yorker myself, (a term I loathe,) I understand the urge to move west. But I kind-of hate it when food places do. I like each area of the country to have its own special niche. Part of what makes these indigenous foods such fun is knowing that it takes a whole lot of effort (traveling, having them shipped to us, knowing a friend is bringing them when he or she visits, etc.) to have the treats.

I try to make believe that my beloved Carvel is not readily available in West Los Angeles, so that stocking up on their delicious Flying Saucers the second my feet touch Brooklyn is extra-special.

But it’s worse when not-very-good establishments come this way. I don’t patronize them in New York, and it’s going to drive me crazy to watch all the people with bad taste, and some phonies, to boot, be thrilled that they’re setting-up out here.

Even though there’s no law that says I have to eat these foods, no matter where they’re located, it bothers me that they’re here in Los Angeles now, like the recently-opened Magnolia Bakery, which is rumored to soon be followed by DiFara’s Pizza. I reviewed the originals on two different episodes of my show, Karen’s Restaurant Revue, several years ago, labeling them both as two of the Emperor’s New Clothes of eateries. [For those of you who have forgotten your childhood, (and, sadly, that’s more and more of you these days,) the story is of an Emperor who parades through the streets naked, yet no one wants to be the first to let him know, so they all pretend he’s not, and laud his wonderful robe. (It's not there, in case you still don't understand the story.) Like people who are afraid to tell the truth about how not great these snacks really are.]

I wish that my podcast was already set-up on this site because it’s much easier to tell you verbally what I think of these places than to write about them, but I’ll try my best. (If I could find those particular shows, I’d just transcribe the reviews, but good luck to me on knowing where specific shows are in my “files.”)

MAGNOLIA BAKERY

Many years ago, way before the nationwide cupcake-mania, there was Magnolia Bakery in the West Village. I first found-out about it at a dinner near-by with my friends Jeff, Anna, and Lloyd. Jeff knows everything that’s hip and happening in New York, especially foodie meccas. He’s taught me so much in the almost-decade we’ve been friends.

We were about to have dessert at the restaurant we were at, when he suggested going to Magnolia instead. He was shocked that Lloyd, a New Yorker, and I, a knowledgeable restaurant critic who spends a third of my year on the east coast, had never heard of it. So, off we went into the warm summer night, for a wonderful, or so we thought, adventure. (We did have fun with it, though. And it made for a great funny story for my show, which makes even rotten times worth it. You know me–everything for comedy.)

We got there at about 11PM on a Friday night, and as warned, the line was around the block. I really do hate waiting in line, but I was with friends I get to see only about four times a year, and it was early (in my world,) so the wait was fine. As we got closer to the place to look in the window, I started to drool. I’ve always loved cupcakes (growing-up, I had a Hostess one almost every day for breakfast or an after-school or pre-bedtime snack–no wonder I’m a little nuts, actually) and I couldn’t wait to have ones that New Yorkers were willing to wait hours for!

When I saw all the pretty pastel frostings, I started trying to decide just which flavor to treat my taste buds to. So, I asked Anna if she knew the flavors by heart. She answered, “vanilla and chocolate.” I was so stymied, I queried, “Vanilla and chocolate what?” She told me that those are the two flavors. Two flavors????? Was she kidding? English is her second language, so I thought that perhaps she had misunderstood me. I just could not wrap my head around the fact that I had just waited in line for over an hour for just a plain chocolate cupcake!!! The icing colors were just a façade! I was in shock.

Jeff, ever the optimist, assured me that they were “awesome,” so I tried to hide my disappointment. When we got to the doorway, there was a gorgon at the gate, handing out small boxes and letting us know that we could each get only two. No problem here, sir! Two was one too many for me. I noticed that they had only a couple of other treats, which no one was getting. They had all waited on line for solely these plain cupcakes. Thankfully, they had milk, so it wouldn’t be a total loss. And I was still pretty skinny, so the idea of wasted calories hadn’t yet occurred to me.

So, our eight cupcakes and one small bottle of milk in hand, we had to find someplace to sample our booty. We joined the crowd in the tiny park diagonally across from the bakery (and where the gorgon had directed us to go.) That is, until the cops chased us out. (We had already finished eating by then, though, so that little debacle did not color my opinion of the edibles at all.) Of course, I felt it was my duty to discuss the sitch with the cops, feeling they couldn’t arrest me for anything–I was just a visitor to the city. My friends stopped me when the cops ceased to be amused by my grilling of them. I had become “Karen Salkin–cupcake-consuming criminal!”

So, back to the Magnolia Bakery cupcakes. Never one to rain on the parade of others, unless asked, in which case I try to tell the absolute truth, I let Lloyd state his opinion first, while I tried to figure out a kind way of telling mine. We all looked to Lloyd for his assessment, which we expected would be glowing. (He and Jeff think similarly when it comes to hip-ness factors.) He matter-of-factly stated, “It’s a cupcake.” Whew, was I relieved! Now I could give my honest opinion, as well. It wasn’t bad, but it certainly wasn’t anything special. And definitely not worth the time, calories, or cash.

This may be puffed-up of me, but I really think that telling this story on my show is what started the cupcake craze out here. No one had ever heard of cupcake places before, and I got tons of calls about it. It was one of my most popular segments of that era. Within a year, here comes Sprinkles in Beverly Hills, and the lines formed down the block, just as they were doing at Magnolia at the time. I really do think that the owners of Sprinkles saw the review on the show, and even though I basically said, “Ugh,” they just heard the part about it being a cash cow. So they opened and all the other cupcakeries followed suit. And, I really do think I started it all, not that it does me any good. But, I get to add “trend-setter” next to “cupcake-consuming criminal” after name, so I have that.

An addendum to this story is that the other night, a hip neighbor of ours invited us over for…Magnolia Bakery cupcakes! From the new one in L.A! Though I loved the relaxing time we had in his beautiful garden, noshing on sweets and catching-up, the L.A. versions did nothing to change my mind on the banality of the products. (Reminder–I’m not saying that they’re bad, just nothing special.) In all fairness, though, Mr. X, who had never had them before, thought they were great.

But, remember–he doesn’t get out much. No joking. And if a stranger served him wood, he would politely eat it and say it was delicious. And he doesn’t eat cupcakes as a rule, so his opinion doesn’t mean much in this case. But being an Italian boy from Jersey, I’m positive he would agree with me on the next place.

DI FARA PIZZA

There’s not too much to say about Di Fara Pizza, other than: it’s just not special. And I don’t want nescients out here to think in any way, shape, or form that it’s representative of what is called “Brooklyn pizza.” There are already four places out here that are worthy of that label (LaRocco’s in Culver City, Cialuzzi in Redondo Beach, Joe’s in West Hollywood and Santa Monica, and Paisanos in Hermosa Beach, though the personnel is kind-of brusque at the last one.) We don’t need a bad pizza place from the homeland to confuse Angelenos.

I grew-up right near Di Fara (which is on Ave. J and E. 15^th St. in Brooklyn,) and was always surprised by its fans. There was a gazillion times better pizzeria down the block, (on J and 13^th) called Pizza Center. That was the main food item I missed when I moved out here as a teen-ager. (And Joy Fong Chinese food on the block, as well. Boy, that Ave. J was the place to be back then!!!) Every trip home included a whole pie from Pizza Center. When childhood friends would say that they were fans of Di Fara, I couldn’t help thinking just a little less of them, I must admit. There were many of us who felt the same way.

On a trip home a little over a decade ago, in a snowstorm, I made my poor father drive me to Pizza Center. To my horror, it wasn’t there anymore! My always practical patriarch naively said, “We’ll get you pizza from up the block.” I almost passed out and actually started hollering a tad. I was also crying. He didn’t know what to do, so he kept driving up Ave. J. All of a sudden, I could smell my precious pizza! (Yes, through the snow. True story.) I ran into this new place, and there was Jerry, the pizza guy! Pizza Center had just moved (and changed names,) but I was saved.

On a subsequent trip, I arrived on a Friday night, and immediately dialed them up to say I’d be right there for a whole pie. No answer. I called for about a half hour, and then my mother said, “It’s Friday night, and everyone’s religious around here now, so they’re probably closed.” It started dawning on me, like in a Hitchcock movie, that maybe they had turned kosher, like most of the other places on Ave. J. I refused to let myself believe that, but my mind raced for the next twenty-four hours, until kosher places opened on Saturday night.

When Jerry answered the phone, I let out a sigh of relief, and told him of my, I thought unfounded, concern. He had to confess that he did, indeed, sell to a kosher company, but stayed on as a consultant, and implored me to try it, saying it was the same old pizza. To be nice, I did, but alas and alack, my beloved Pizza Center pizza was no more.

A few days later, I decided to buck up and give Di Fara one more try, out of respect for hanging in there as it was. But, it was not what pizza from Brooklyn should be, on any level. I vowed to not return, but a couple of years later, when my father had just passed away and friends from Rhode Island were visiting my mother and me to distract us, I wanted to pick-up a quick lunch for them, so we again stopped at close-by Di Fara. First of all, my pals were appalled at how dirty the joint was. (So was I, but I pretended not to notice, in case they hadn’t.) And then, they couldn’t believe that this is famous Brooklyn pizza because it’s soooo not special.

As years went on, I noticed that Di Fara has received many write-ups. Always one to give every one and thing a second chance (and third, and fourth, down the line,) I stopped-by on the way out of town just two short years ago, because I was near-by and needed something quick to eat while I packed. To my shock, there was a line for this pizza! So, I erroneously assumed that it had somehow gotten better.

But no. It was the same old same old. Greasy, with way too-sweet sauce, and just plain nasty. And I was starving then, which is when everything usually tastes better!

And now, it’s supposedly coming to my adopted shores. And the good people of Los Angeles will read and hear all the hype, and judge Brooklyn pizza by Di Fara and wonder what all the fuss has always been about.

So, I’m begging all of you, try it if you must, but please, please, please don’t think this is the standard for Brooklyn pizza. Unless you, too, are among the delusional people who actually think it’s great.