I rarely write about Biggest Loser, even though I’ve watched every episode over the years. I hate the inanity, but love to see people’s health, looks, and lives improve with hard work. There’s never anything much to say about it. Some contestants are creepy, some are nice, and all the drama is contrived, as far as I’m concerned.

But what happened on this week’s episode needs addressing. The teams treated newcomers Adrian and Daphne like pariahs, and I don’t know how they can get away with it. The red team has two absolute bi-atches on it, and I don’t understand how the others are not voting them off when they have the chance!!!

Creepy Conda.

Condra is just poison. (I, unfortunately, know someone like her, only it’s an older man who should know better. Somewhere down the line, I’ll tell you a personal story that will make all your lives look rosy.) I just hate that rotten people like this one are allowed to get away with it. From Day 1, she’s started trouble with different contestants, and gets them thrown off! While it’s obvious to us, the audience, what she’s doing, the other members of her team don’t seem to get it.

A few weeks ago, she started a drama with Cassandra, a girl from the black team, and they made a physical challenge out of it, which Condra lost fair and square. But, rather than graciously accepting her defeat, she lied and said the other girl cheated, which we all know she did not. Cassandra was kind enough to agree to a do-over, which already wasn’t fair because it was a different exercise they competed in the second time. But she beat Conda at that one, too, so Conda just brushed it off and never mentioned it again. I just hate people like that. Don’t we all?

Witchy Kim.

The other one is the witchy Kim. She screwed her own team with her arrogance as the head of another challenge a couple of episodes ago, and when they lost because of her, they should have definitely turned around and voted her off. But, with Conda’s help, those two succeeded ing getting someone else voted off.

Granted, we don’t really see all the machinations in the house, so we have to sort-of read between the lines; but, with repeated offenses, we can figure it all out close enough to the truth.

No matter what else is going on in that house, what those two witches did to newcomer Adrian this week was inexcusable. I’m sure that some viewers will chalk it up to racism, as the team that came back “into the house,” which means into the competition on the ranch, (which is their headquarters, in case you don’t watch the show,) are the only two black people vying for the title against a passel of white folks. (What an odd sentence that last one is.)

Nice Adrian.

But I think it’s so much more than racism for those two. That bitch (a word that’s too good for her, by the way,) Conda, came up with a whispering campaign of lies about Adrian to the rest of the team, just to set-up trying to get him voted off the next week, as he had immunity this one. Kim is her henchman and the rest of the team are just idiots, apparently, who aren’t wise to her evil and lies. The poor guy was just minding his business and trying to take advantage of being back in the house and learning from the trainers and nutritionists, and he had to deal with the sneakiness of Conda and Kim. I hate seeing people like those two get ahead.

So, anyhow, thanks in good part to Conda, the red team lost the weigh-in and had to send one member home. And Conda didn’t even get one vote! They sent a nice little old lady home! How are the other members of the red team missing these opportunities to get rid of someone so awful??? She’s rotten through-and-through and doesn’t even help in the losing weight category or winning the challenges! She’s without even one redeeming quality! I just don’t get it, on any level.

The worst part of this whole debacle is that the other people are believing this liar! So they started attacking Adrian, too, who is absolutely undeserving of that treatment! The old lady even told him to be quiet when he was just sticking up for himself. They told him not to talk because he’s the new guy! How does such rudeness exist in this world??? It turns my stomach. [Note: my poor little mother had the same thing happen to her from a family member, being told not to talk, but that's part of the story for down the line.]

I know there’s little real fairness in life, and the little there is is out of our control. But I’m sooooo routing for Adrien, and his sister Daphne, who’s on the opposite team, to hang in there and last many weeks on the show, if not win it altogether. And for nothing good to happen for Conda and Kim. Ever.

P. S. I just found out that not one, but two guys on the red team, Buddy and Mark, are pastors! How did they allow that kind of abuse to go on without piping-up??? So, shame on them, as well.

I have to thank those of you who sent me Happy Birthday messages on Saturday, (the day before the Globes telecast,) by every method, (save for carrier pigeon.) They actually all really helped me get through my most difficult birthday ever.

In an incredibly busy week-end that included not only my birthday but four important post-season football games and a new and definitely improved Miss America, I just had to turn down dinner invitations to stay home and watch the Golden Globes live, solely because of host Ricky Gervais‘ return gig. He was still excellent, and provided most of the very few laughs to be had on this snoozefest, but he was better last year when his controversial lines took us all by surprise. This year, the assemblage was holding their collective breath, so it didn’t have the same impact. And he toned it a taste, to boot. The Jodie Foster stuff was priceless, though. If he hosts again next year, just when everyone thought they could relax, I hope he lets them have it full-force again.

Because of the recent sad events in my life, this is the first year in over a dozen that I haven’t even come close to seeing all the nominated films and performances in time for the show. We Screen Actors Guild voters still have two weeks to go before we have to cast our ballots for those awards, but I’m usually finished with my viewings way before the Globes. So I really can’t say with certainty who deserved to win, in most cases. I should have my choices ready to share by the SAG Awards, though.

Also, because of the wonderful Giants victory over the Packers yesterday, I missed most of the red carpet arrivals, so I don’t have that baloney to critique here. So, let’s get straight to the show, and the supposed purpose of them to begin with—to give out movie and television awards.

I thought the audience was pretty lukewarm to Ricky. It’s like they didn’t know what they were supposed to do, because if they laughed, and then he burned them later and they appeared upset, they’d look like they can’t take it when it’s bad about them.

Maybe the organizers cut back on the booze this year because the audience was unusually subdued.

I was happy to see so many of the females, (and perhaps even some of the males,) copying the trampy eye make-up that I’ve been wearing for years!

They should have shown Angelina Jolie when Johnny Depp admitted to Ricky that he hadn’t ever seen his movie with her, The Tourist, one of last season’s biggest bombs.

I’m happy that Christopher Plummer finally won award, even though I haven’t yet seen his film, The Beginners, because I so loved him in his brilliant one-man show, several years ago, of John Barrymore.

Ashton Kutcher looked about a zillion times better clean-shaven and with short hair than he did with the dirty hippie look he’s been rocking all season.

Rob Lowe and Julianne Moore proved that actors really need writers.

I noticed that several women, including Julianne Moore and Julianna Margulies, wore green earrings that didn’t support the rest of their color scheme, but the accents actually looked okay. I love that color of muted green.

Rob Lowe’s spray tan looks even more fake next to Julianne Moore’s lily white skin.

I guess TV people are seated in the back rows, even if they’re Kate Winslet.

Frida Pinto is so cute and classy; I guess that makes her different from just about everyone there.

Jeremy Irons was classy to help the older Golden Globe lady with her presentation.

Kelsey Grammar is just all-around repulsive. I actually feel bad for his wife. I can’t think of much I’d rather do less than be intimate with him. On any level. Ugh.

They played-off the guy who won for music!!! And I don’t think they even used his own composition for the insult. That would have been cool of them, at least.

They finally had to play-off Madonna, though you could tell they did so reluctantly.

And whose fake English accent is more phony—that of Madonna or Johnny Depp? It’s a toss-up.

Mr. X was wondering if these shows have kid seat fillers, in case a celeb has to take their offspring to the rest room during the show, and they want to trick the audience into thinking they’re still in their seats.

I love Angie and Brad!!! They look at each other with such love and respect.

I also loved the color-changing set.

Angelina looked the most stunning with that matching red lipstick, but I have three words of fashion advice for her—sleeves, honey, sleeves.

Katherine McPhee didn’t get the memo to wear tramp make up. She looked like she was just in rehearsal next to heavily made-up Debra Messing.

Winner Idris Elba gave a good, well-structured speech.

Classy of Seth Rogen to mention an erection, caused by the gorgeousness of truly classy Kate Beckinsale.

Michelle Williams won for Best Actress in a Comedy or Musical; but she was in neither a comedy nor a musical! My Week With Marilyn was a total drama!

But she’s so much better looming than she was on Dawson’s Creek!!! She was awful on that show, and looked horrible, as well. Boy, has she come far in her career! Like Sally Field back in the day.

And, I have to give Michelle credit for always bring her BFF, Busy Phillips, everywhere she goes. I’d love to have a friend like that!

Peter Dinklage, of whom I’m a fan, gave a creepy speech, except for the end. He mentioned “Martin Henderson in England,” and suggested Googling him, which I did, and it turns out he’s a dwarf who got paralyzed in a “dwarf-throwing: contest.” The thought of something like this going on in this day and age turned my stomach. But props to Peter for mentioning it to bring attention to this cruelty.

Spielberg mispronounced “Paramount “ as “Paramont!” And Scorsese made the same mistake later. Shame on them both!!! Are these guys too busy and important to learn the correct pronunciation of a studio that they’ve both worked at?

And how badly did Spielberg’s tux fit???

Nicole Kidman looked fantastic!!! Her body looks like a giant Barbie doll.

The exact opposite of Brangelina, the couple of manly Felicity Huffman and repulsive William H. Macy just really makes me queasy. Truly.

Could Madonna be any phonier???

They were smart to pair Jane Lynch with Tina Fey because their looks match. I’m not judging them, at least not here; I’m just saying they matched.

Reese Witherspoon‘s red dress was the outfit of the evening.

Poor Jessica Lange just got so old. And why would she wear a backless dress??? And what happened to her teeth?

Actually, just about everyone looked old, even Matt LeBlanc, who’s only forty-four, but has mostly gray hair. Maybe that’s why I’m fighting getting a Hi-Def TV!

Sidney Poitier‘s appearance was quite the surprise.

Helen Mirren‘s speech (in tribute to Morgan Freeman,) was one of the most uncomfortable of all time! But she followed Sidney, who was worse. Morgans was brutal, as well.

How rude of Morgan to declare, “Although they call it the Cecil B. DeMille award, in my house, it’s also known as the Sidney Poitier award.” Classy. At least he didn’t thank his step-granddaughter for being his girlfriend!!! Come to think of it, Ricky Gervais should have mentioned that!

And it was lovely that Sir Ben Kingsley‘s date was sitting on his lap, playing with his tie, while Morgan was accepting his special award.

The only good bit of the night to this point, outside of Ricky’s bon mots, was the Modern Family acceptance speech.

Jessica Biel‘s dress was horrible!

I wish a foreign winner, such as Jean Dujardin of The Artist, had said, “Thank you Hollywood Press,” instead of Hollywood Foreign Press. Get it?

Speaking of Jean Dujardin, I love that guy!! His was the only charming speech. I can’t believe how different he looks in person. I mean it!

Colin Firth looked great, especially his body! I’ve never even noticed his looks before.

Tilda Swinton could make money down at the Third Street Promenade charging for pictures with her. Not as herself, but as a weirdo in this town.

The only speech that matched the Modern Family one, and the French people’s, was Meryl Streep‘s! I haven’t even seen The Iron Lady, but when her category came up last night, I told Mr. X that I hoped she wins because she always gives great speeches, and I was bored to tears by that point. And, she did not disappoint.

Meryl appears to just love winning! And always deserves to. And we love her acceptance speeches. But she desperately needed lipstick. And how dowdy was her outfit? And why didn’t the guy in front, who wound-up with her glasses, give them to her??? And why would she need them for her speech, anyway, when she didn’t have a paper? Do they put nominees’ speeches on the teleprompter???

And then, here comes Jane Fonda, being so much older than Meryl, but looking so much better. Better than almost everyone, actually, and definitely anyone her age. Ever!!!

Mr X noted that George Clooney‘s super-unclassy male genitalia joke was worse than anything Ricky Gervais said all night!

So that’s it for the Golden Globes. I have to go write-up all the suites for you to read about for the rest of this week. Because the only thing more fun than ragging on the Hollywood phonies is cluing you guys in on the fabulous new products they’re receiving!

I really have no idea what made me think of this list to begin with, but once I started musing about the many supposed “stars” who’ve appeared on this show in that guise, my mind kept running with it. I actually then researched every season to make sure I didn’t leave anyone out. (And because, even with my crazy-good memory, I had forgotten most of them! Even seeing some of their names again, I still don’t remember them being on the show.)

The interesting discovery I made is that the commonly-held belief that once you appear on this show, your show biz star will permanently rise, is quite incorrect. While the exposure has certainly worked out for several, (Brooke Burke more than anyone!,) there are many competitors most of us had never heard of then, and actually have never heard of again! I even had to check on their name spellings multiple times!

Of course, I’m not counting the pro dancers on the show; none of us had heard of any of them (save for the ones who first appeared on So You Think You Can Dance,) since dancers rarely get famous, shamefully so. And now, they’re the real stars of the show!!! You can be talking with anyone about anything, and if the names “Derek” or “Maks,” for example, come up, most everyone will know who we mean. I seriously don’t think the dancers get enough credit. Or pay, probably!

And as to the co-hosts over the years, Mr. X and I hadn’t heard of all three of these women before this show, and kind-of hope we never do again once it’s run its course.

So, here are the contestants I never heard of before their appearances, in, as the show always states, no particular order:

Kyle Massey.

Kyle Massey

Helio Castraneves

Chelsea Kane

Louis Vito

Kelly Monaco

Warren Sapp

Chick Liddell

Stacy Kiebler

Chuck Wicks (who???) and his pro partner, and then-girlfriend, Julianne Hough.

Chuck Wickes

Brooke Burke

Sabrina Bryant

Willa Ford (and never have since!)

Ty Murray

Wendy Williams (who I still think is a man)

Niecy Nash

Aiden Turner

Christian de la Fuente

Funny man Mike Catherwood, who I hope will replace Regis and then get rid of the very unfunny Kelly Ripa!

Mike Catherwood

Cameron Matheson

Jake Pavelka

Ashley Hamilton

Tucker Carlson

Shanna Moakler

Monique Colman

Sara Evans

Shandi Finnessy

Ian Ziering

Mark Dacascos and his partner, a still-brunette Lacey Schwimmer.

Mark Dacascos

Josie Maran

Albert Reed

Shannon Elizabeth

Jason Taylor

Cody Linley

Jeffrey Ross

Audrina Patridge (I’m still not sure what her name is)

Rejected Bachelor winner Melissa Rycroft, who got a show business career from the rejection!

Melissa Rycroft

Gilles Marini

Holly Madison

Joanna Krupa

Giselle Fernandez (still don’t know who she is, and the show never even mentions her)

That’s it! Tomorrow, I’ll list the ones I had heard of slightly, but was basically unfamiliar with.

It sure took long enough, but I finally got caught up on the past four weeks of The X Factor! Whew! At least their results shows go semi-fast.

So, here are some thoughts on some happenings on those particular shows, and the season to date, in general. I went mostly in order of what I saw on the shows as the season has gone along. Let’s begin:

This show is so full of shit!

First of all, to all the idiot contestants who aver that they must continue in the competition because they “just can’t stop singing:” no one’s stopping you from singing; we’re just stopping you from making money at it…on this show! If singing is “everything” to you, it’s something you can do anytime, anywhere, so don’t make like you’ll have to stop because you’re off this stupid show!

This is what one young girl told another sixteen-year-old who didn’t make the cut for the live shows: “You can come back from this.” Are all these people insane??? They all need to visit veteran’s or children’s hospitals or the like, to see what real adversity is.

The judges.

Why are most of the contestants, and judges, such bad sports? I don’t get that. What happened to stiff upper lips, sportsmanship, and general good behavior? Maybe it’s because they all treat these competition shows like they’re life and death. Shame. And shameful.

Why do they all make like singing these songs are such “risks?” High wire acts are risks, sky-diving is a risk, and gambling big bucks are risks; singing is not!!!

These people have all sung before, or they wouldn’t be on the show. So, why don’t they just pick songs they’re good at? The over-thirties group, especially, must have a repertoire by now.

The judges should not keep putting each other down. Didn’t Simon hire the other three because he respected their music biz abilities???

I feel behavior like this marks the end of civilization! Surely the end of civilized society. The general public emulates the behavior of celebrities (hence “role models,”) and this is just another reason people get ruder and ruder.

Several of the acts, like Lakoda Rayne and Marcus Canty, are not worthy of being on TV ever.

I’m sick of the constant squabbling among the judges.

They refuse to tell the contestants that do suck (Stacy Francis, Marcus Canty, and all the groups) that they do! But they make like some of the good ones (read “Drew”) that they do! I don’t get it. Seriously, my head spins from their strange, and misplaced, criticisms. They’re mainly really rude and nasty, but kiss the asses of the contestants who make my ears bleed.

The judges do sometimes cop to berating someone unjustly; but they also need to admit when they make mistakes in complimenting the bad ones. When I was in the fourth grade, my teacher, Mrs. Olson, went around the room stopping at each desk to listen closely to each of our singing voices, and then picked the best ones to go up and become the class chorus. Since my father had let me know that I definitely can’t sing, imagine my shock, and delight, when I got chosen! When the entire group was in front of the class, I sung out with great gusto! When we were done, she said something to the effect of, “Oh wait—something’s wrong.” And she listened to each of us again, pulling out the offender. It was me, of course! It was a horrible feeling, that I think I’ve never really gotten over, but I’ve always respected Mrs. Olson for realizing her mistake. Simon and company should do the same.

Seriously, these judges, especially Paula and Nicole, barely even make sense anymore!!! They tell everyone that they’re “superstars.” Trust me, no one on these shows is a superstar. Most stars aren’t even superstars!!!

And “convinced” is their new word. It’s like when I was a dance club promoter, and I came up with the first “Thanksgiving Eve Bash.” None of these club peeps had ever even heard the old-fashioned term “bash” before, yet they’re still using it today!! In all clubs. So, someone on some show somewhere once said “convinced,” and now they’re all using it, the same as they do with “artist.”

And what’s up with the fire effect during so many of the performances? It’s like they’re a community theater and someone gave them the fire, so they have to constantly use it, like costumes.

And what was up with L.A. Reid not standing for Jessie J??? Or even politely applauding? No matter his reason, it was unbelievably rude, and that sweet girl did not deserve that treatment! I lost all respect for him with that one asshole act.

Allison Holker.

There is something so not fair about wonderful dancer Allison Holker, who’s a star on So You Think You Can Dance, past and present, dancing anonymously behind the untalented Marcus Canty! Dancers really get short shrift in show business.

The contestants got sent to a pro photog, Brian Smith, for glamour shots. He proudly stated, “I’ve shot everyone from Eve to Missy Elliott to Shakira.” That’s like saying he’s shot every color in the rainbow, from red to orange-red to pink-red. There’s no range there!

No one has benefitted more from the crew’s hair and make-up skills than Melanie!

This show has the sorest losers of all the shows, like Stacy Francis.

Nicole gets more full of shit by the week. She should have a website kind-of like this one, but it would be ItsAllAboutMe, rather than ItsNotAboutMe. If she was on Dancing With The Stars now, instead of three seasons ago, I’d vote for anyone else, even though she was the best.

Nicole intro-ed Leroy as “the one and only, one-of-a-kind, Mr. Leroy Bell.” Yeah—one-of-a-kind…unless you’re counting Michael Bolton, whom Leroy sounds just like.

Astro.

My mouth just hangs open when I see Astro perform. He is truly friggin’ amazing. His performances have actually made me cry! On more than one occasion! I found myself closing my iPad and paying him rapt attention. He’s incredible.

Paula said of Astro, in regards to people calling him “our future,” “He’s also our past and present.” Smartest thing she ever said!

Outside of Astro’s one meltdown, which I feel was out of his youth not knowing how to handle the possible rejection like a man, I think he’s pretty respectful. He always says “sir” and “thank you,” with sincerity.

The stupid evil relations among the judges is making the singers be just pawns in their own competition, which is so not fair. And many of them are too young to realize what’s going on, and they can’t handle it.

Steve Jones, the host, thinks “lol” in tweets means “lots of laughs!” How embarrassing for him. (Though, if he’s not humiliated by some of the crazy, hammy faces he makes, then maybe he just doesn’t have that emotion.)

Chris Rene.

I love grooving to Chris Rene’s music. I sing his original song, Young Homey, What You Trippin’ On, all the time in my head! And he’s the only one who ever acknowledges the host! You go, boy.

Paula told someone (it doesn’t even matter whom because it makes no sense, but it was Chris,) “You manifest with abundance in the heart department.” Simon even called her on it, too. It’s still shocking to me that she doesn’t know what many basic words mean.

I liked all the contestants better before they started showing us “who they are.” Way better.

And why does everyone have to have a sob story? Can’t anyone just be a wonderful singer who’s trying hard, and also has a good life???

Melanie Amauro.

Okay, I have to address the weirdest recent development: Melanie Amauro’s island accent! When I heard her say she grew up in the Virgin Islands until high school, I remarked that I was surprised she didn’t have an accent. But right away, I remembered that most people lose theirs if they come to the United States before the age of fifteen, which she did. Then, on the next show, in the middle of regular speech, she busted out a heavy accent, worthy of my mother’s Jamaican aides! She turned into a scary Ed Norton character before our eyes! Simon said he didn’t even know about it! And he’s been mentoring her for months!!! It is just so weird. She said that she just wants to show people “who she really is.” So, she was just bamboozling us from the beginning? Why couldn’t she have talked with her real, honest accent all along? It’s just creepy that she spoke without one for all her prior months on the show. And did anyone else notice that the accent showed up right after Rihanna was there? Hmmm. I think the change turned people off. I know it did me. I think maybe I’ll start speaking with an English one myself. Or in Brooklynese. Or in tongues. Which is the same thing as Brooklynese, actually.

Drew went from being the sweetest girl to a major bad sport. Yet Marcus, whom I don’t like as a singer, is always pleasant and upbeat, no matter what.

And Drew turned into a Jesus freak at the very end there, which I’m sure didn’t help her any for the future. I don’t even have to be a mentor to give the contestants a quick bit of advice: keep that sort of thing to yourselves!

Host Steve Jones.

I’ve actually come to think that Steve Jones is a nice, caring host. (My original first note for this column was that he’s full if it, but as the shows wore on—and “wore on” they did!–I realized how good he is to everyone.) He’s more than a tad over-dramatic and goony. (And I can’t figure out if he’s, as they say in Legally Blonde, The Musical, gay or European!) But he doesn’t try to make the show about himself, as many hosts do. He never says anyone is his “little “anything, like Cat Deeley does. Or torture them to make himself look important. Or joke with the judges, like Ryan Seacrest. He just stays out of the way, and lets the show unfold. And he actually moves the judges along from their rambling assessments.

Marcus is nice, but how did he make it into the top four guys to begin with??? And now he’s in the top five!!! My head’s going to bleed from how often I’ve scratched it over him.

As Nicole was screwing Drew, by choosing her to leave before the inferior Marcus Canty, she told her, “You’re so young already still.” She thinks she’s so profound and she’s really an idiot! And, by the way, what happened to her belief in “girl empowerment” that she invoked when she saved the worse-than-awful, made-for-the-show girl group, Lakoda Rayne? Why wouldn’t she “save” Drew over Marcus?

Okay, that’s it, most likely until my thoughts on the final results surface. I wasn’t really rooting for anyone all along, because there were six of the Top 12 I thought were worthy. But now I find myself leaning towards Chris, Josh, and Rachel. I always thought Melanie was going to win, and I kind-of wanted her to. But her craziness from Thanksgiving Week was too much for me. I think Rachel can already have a career, especially with Disney, so I think I’d be happiest if Josh or Chris win, because I don’t see as much in their futures otherwise, being a little bit older, hick guys who’ve already gone through a lot in life. So, Nicole, I guess I’m all for guy empowerment!

Here are my thoughts on the American Music Awards from Sunday night, beginning with the walk-ins show that was on ABC, with idiots hosts Chris Harrison and Vanessa Minnillo. My musings are in order of the whole presentation:

Chris said something to Jenny McCarthy about her “getting groped by strangers for five hours” during her New Year’s eve gig, and she replied, “Yeah, but it’s so worth it.” Is a stupid TV gig really worth getting groped by anybody??? Is anything?

The girl from The Band Perry said their mom is their stylist. She told her daughter to have that hair??? My mother’s insisting on stupid “pixie cuts” is looking better to me now.

One time when they cut back to Vanessa, I thought that she was an old chubby woman! So I guess I would have a chance with her husband, Nick Lachey, after all!

And she kept upstaging her interviewees.

I did not know that LMFAO is comprised of relatives of Smokey Robinson and Berry Gordy!!! (Neither did the guys at my local market when I made an emergency whipped cream run in the middle of the show, and gave them that news.) Of course, I did more research on the topic and discovered that LMFAO is really just a duo who are Berry’s son and grandson. Weird. I guess Smokey’s nephew is one of the other guys on-stage with them.

Smokey was a great interview, by the way! Talking with him so many times over the years is a highlight of my career.

In singing the praises of Justin Bieber, Sean Kingston said, “The kid is amazing. He’s just a humble kid, you know, he’s charming,…” Who would have thought they’d hear Sean Kingston use “charming,” especially on the Biebs??? Now I love that guy, just for that word usage!

Chris didn’t even ask Sean how he’s doing since his serious accident! Was he even aware of it???

Every time Vanessa talked to a black person, her vernacular turned ghetto. Lovely.

I love that Chris Daughtry said, regarding his four children, “They’re amazing. Our home is so alive at all times. I love it.”

Jennifer Hudson seems pretty honest and nice enough.

Adam Levine was actually very appreciative of what he has, which I was surprised to see.

Matthew Morrison always seems like such a full-of-himself douche.

Now to my thoughts on the actual show:

LMFAO should have opened the show with their party song. That would have been perfect, and what my producer-wannabe mind expected. [Note: I guess they were saving them for the end, which I must admit was a better idea, especially since it was so crazy!]

I still didn’t love the choice of Nicki Minaj to open the show. I actually think it was the worst opening in the history of the show.

And why does she think she has a good body??? On top of the bad body, that outfit looked like something teen-agers would cook-up for Sing. (Look-up Sing, if you didn’t grow-up in New York.)

I think that Nicki thinks she’s Rihanna.

I still don’t get David Guetta. At all!

No host for the show! What a great idea.

I’ve never been a fan of Queen Latifah. Never met anyone who is, actually.

When accepting an award to the group he’s in, Maroon 5, Adam Levine said, “I’d like to thank…”; shouldn’t it be “we’d like to thank”??? (That is a bit nit-picky of me, but I had to warm-up somehow.)

Taylor Swift is always surprised that she won! Enough with that already.

I hated her awful, cheap-looking green earrings.

I wonder what Justin Bieber must feel like. He’s like the biggest star in the world right now, but so many people dismiss him/his music. He’s always the butt of comedians jokes. What a dichotomy to deal with.

His Xmas song, Mistletoe, is good enough, but it’s a weird song to be bopping to on-stage.

The Band Perry did great. But, again about the straw-looking hair on the girl in the group: this is how her mother styled her? Maybe the mom is secretly jealous. The girl looks like a young Heather Locklear who got caught in a windstorm.

I usually love Chris Brown’s performances, but I don’t know what they were trying to show me with this one.

Why did Jennifer Hudson change her dress from the walk-in, just to present, not perform?

Nicki Minaj appeared to be an idiot! How stupid, and rude, to wear those untenable shoes when she might win an award. So she had to have people help her out there and used up a lot of time doing so. Self-important, are we?

As the Suburgatory ladies walked out, I exclaimed, “What a horrible dress!” I meant on Cheryl Hines, but then I added, “On both of them.” And their hair and makeup looked like they were in an early morning rehearsal, not the actual show! Perhaps being actresses, and not in the music biz, they didn’t get the correct memo. Talk about your fish out of water.

That was the best Kelly Clarkson ever sounded!!! And looked! Her weirdo satyr-butt actually looked almost good in that dress. And she seemed so in charge I that number. I think it because she was actually singing this time, and not screaming.

JLo’s performance was subtitled “Take that, Mark Anthony.!” Mr. X said it was the best performance of hers that he’s ever seen, and also the best she’s ever looked. [Note: he's not a fan of her looks.] He said her outfit “must be an entire Spanx bodysuit.” (Where did he ever hear about those???) But I thought it was a tad baggy in places. She must have been working out for months for this one performance. (Well, two, as I found-out later.)

The girl in Lady Antebellum went up to the stage to accept an award–carrying her purse!!! (I think JLo did, too, but I averted my eyes then because this is one of my award show pet peeves.)

Seeing Adam Lambert on there was a surprise because they didn’t announce the presenters at the beginning of the show, only the performers. As I always state, I love that boy!!! (Professionally and personally, too.)

The first shoes. The second ones weren't much better.

Idiot Nicki Minaj changed her erroneous shoes before her second award, but we still had to wait another hour for her to take the stage to claim it.

And she said, “I want to thank God. And Little Wayne.” Are they eligible for Best Duo or Group?

After she rambled on for ten minutes, including wasting our time with wishing a happy birthday to a homey of hers, she stated “I don’t know what to say.” Duh!

Benjamin Bratt did his intro of Pitbull well, for someone who seemed totally uncomfortable out there.

Mr. X is making me tell you that when I thought I saw Jennifer Lopez dancing behind Mark Anthony, and got excited about it, I said, “My mind starting racing. I thought they were going to reconcile on national TV!” He made fun of me for that the rest of the night.

But that Mark Anthony sure can sing!

Darn. For one minute, I actually thought we had a night off from Heidi Klum. At least we didn’t have to see Seal, too. (Mr. X looked at Heidi and said, “Oh, the Perry mom did her hair, too!” What was up with all this awful dead-looking hair so many chicks were rocking???

Katy Perry’s styling is like Gaga-lite. She always dons wigs and costumes, like Lady Gaga does, but doesn’t go as far. I like Katy’s outifts better.

Though the audience loved her subdued performance on the show, I felt like the act was the daughter of Gaga and Janis Ian. And, (Mr. X threw-in,) Joan Crawford. I think her strong song would have been more effective if she just came out in normal garb, but Mr. X and I disagree on that. At least she was the only one singing live thus far. And I love that when she got an award, (was it really the surprise they made it out to be?,) she didn’t do the phony thing and try to reach out and hug Heidi.

Who was Mark Anthony routing for to win the Latin award–JLo or Pitbull??? I’d love to know.

Has Beyonce had face work??? She looked a little different than usual on the satellite feed of her. Like her lips were changed or something, though I can’t imagine why she would need any of that.

And I love that her presenter, Ellie Goulding (who I’m not familiar with,) said Beyonce couldn’t accept because she’s “expecting her first child and she can’t be flying all over the country…” and then Beyonce accepted by satellite and said the reason for her absence is because “I’m in New York promoting my DVD.” Get your stories straight, ladies!

The show was mostly blah until Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5, with Christina Aguilera, although Xtina’s mike should have been up higher, in my opinion.

Hey, Christina–Snooki called; she wants her body back. That white skin-tight number wasn’t a smart dress for someone who’s self-conscious about their weight.

I didn’t realize that Bruno Mars is so short! But he has such a beautiful face. He could play Sal Mineo.

I don’t know what Katherine Heigl was doing there, but could her boobs have been any more fake?

The announcer intro-ed Jenny McCarthy as an “actor,” a term I hate for females. It’s so pretentious.

For will.i.am’s number, Fighting Gravity, the black-light performers who were the highlight of that act, didn’t get any credit!!! How rude.

Who was that chick standing at the mike with Jenny??? Wasn’t she just the one who brings out the trophies? Talk about a lens louse!

Back to Vanessa Minnillo: she walks really badly. Mr. X said, “what a turnoff” and “what a douche” about her in general. Too bad Nick Lachey doesn’t agree with him! (Actually, I believe my crush on him is over. No room in there with Hugh Jackman, Simon Baker, and Maksim Chmerkovskiy.)

Taylor Swift won over Adele for Artist Of The Year? Who are these voters???

Taylor’s acting like she didn’t know she was nominated! Mr. X said she’s accepting like she was a write-in!

LMFAO’s closing number was really fun. I always love seeing the dance group Quest with them, especially Hok of  So You Think You Can Dance fame. And that little lip-syncing-on-YouTube kid. It is truly a party on-stage.

I had just one problem with the number–most of you know that I’m as happy as the next girl (or guy) to see near-naked men, but seeing them all dance ensemble in their skivvies just made me uncomfortable. It reminded me of my days as a guest at UCLA’s many frat houses. (It’s not what it sounds like, though—they were all just upset I wouldn’t go near any of them, so occasionally, I think to entice me, though that really backfired, they would strip down and dance around. Hence, the multiple houses for me, cause I had to move on when the inhabitants of one got too crazy.)

The front row of the arena was full of weird peeps. It was kind-of uncomfortable to watch.

That’s it! Whew! Hopefully, there are no more awards shows this year. Now I can rest up for the on-slaught beginning in the middle of January. I have to go get a massage for my fingers now, after all this typing.

Well, my begging for votes for Hope Solo, just so Rob Kardashian wouldn’t make it to the final, didn’t work out, and I can’t blame anyone but Hope. Last week, her “dancing” was even worse than usual. And her bad sportsmanship was appalling, especially for an Olympic athlete.

More on that in a sec, but, as much as I’m rooting for J.R., on so many levels, I was a little shocked at his attitude, as well. It’s great to be serious about a competition that you’re in, even one as petty as Dancing With The Stars, but he’s just way too intense when he doesn’t do as well as expected. It’s easy to be happy for him when he’s doing great, but it would be lovely to see him be a good sport when his performance falls a little short, as well. I’m still begging you all to vote for him, though. More on that topic after I rant about Hope for a little bit.

Maks, (Hope’s professional dance partner, in case you’re from another planet,) looked miserable all season, and I think that that’s where his bad attitude came from. In the beginning of the season, he was thrilled that he got an athlete to train, because he assumed that, in addition to having the right training mind-set, she would then be on his physical level, which would then make everything easier. But instead, he got a big, uncomfortable, insecure lummox, and he was barely able to crack a smile during all these long months.

Maks has been frustrated this whole time, and who can blame him? Hope turned-out to be a totally uptight person who needed to be on one of those psychological doctor shows instead of a dance one. Her DWTS’s experience seemed to just worsen her obvious inferiority complex, rather than help it. Even the way she talks is weird and uncomfortable.

And her “dancing” was brutal. How could she not have known how bad she was??? When Maks was just pulling her around, she was okay, because he was doing all the work. But out of hold, ugh. Her two dances the week before last were her best ever, but her hands in the jive were hard to watch. Why didn’t she just close them? That’s not hard to do.

I really do understand Maks sticking up for her when the judges were bordering on cruel a few weeks ago, but there’s no way he didn’t know she was dreadful.

Hope was involved in some big soccer controversy several years ago, and I believe she was kicked-off the national soccer team. The coach had taken her out of a game in favor of a lesser (in just about everyone’s opinion) goalie who wound-up flubbing a few catches, which cost their team the game. After the loss, Hope gave television interviews saying she knows she would have made those saves. That’s just not done in sport, dissing a team member. (Unless you’re Shaq and Kobe, of course.) I’ve heard her state that she learned her lesson from that experience, but I guess it’s hard to change a bad attitude of entitlement.

I’m sure it’s hard to be criticized so much, especially on national television, but an athlete, more than just about any other profession, should be able to hold their tongue. Or at least state it better.

So, Hope and Maks are out of the Dancing With The Stars final, [note: I hate it when people say “finalS,” plural--it's just one, singular final] and we’re left with the two teams we’ve all expected to be there from Day 1, J.R. Martinez and Karina Smirnoff, and Ricki Lake and Derek Hough, and one shocker, Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke, a duo who just skated through the season and are left standing. I’m sure Rob’s creepy family tweeting for votes didn’t hurt either, despite the fact that I still haven’t ever met even one person anywhere who watches their shows, or cares about them even one little whit. Nobody I know even disses them; they’re just a non-topic.

I really hope that J.R. wins because he’s by far the best dancer. The big problem is that we viewers don’t vote for just the supposed celeb; we vote for the pro dancers who we all are much more familiar with than we are with the weirdo beyond-D-list competitors the producers choose. And Derek is, again by far, the most popular dancer on that show. So, voters could possibly make Ricki the winner just because she had the great fortune to get Derek as her partner.

And, from everything I’ve read over the years, viewers really like Cheryl Burke, (though I don’t get that,) and seem to hate Karina. It’s perhaps a jealousy thing because I think most voters are female and Karina’s sexiness is a threat to them while Cheryl’s basic-ness is not.

But dear readers of this E-zine, here’s my plea for fair voting: J.R is the best dancer. Plus, he’s also been through so much pain in his short life that I want him to catch-up on happiness. Outside of being heavy and getting a divorce, two normal things that millions upon millions of people go through, Ricki has skated by in life. And talk about skating by–Rob has had a charmed life, outside of losing his father who I’m about to give you my negative thoughts on, and he’s already gotten more out of this dancing experience than anyone could have expected at the beginning.

So, here’s what you gotta do to vote for J.R. Tonight, if you’re so inclined to do the fair thing: The phone number for J.R. And Karina is 1-800-868-3410 and you can dial it from 8PM-10:30PM tonight. (Again, you don’t even have to watch the show to vote.) And each phone line is allowed only a few votes, so it’s not a lot of work. And remember–don’t let them tell you that “your time zone is currently closed,” because it’s not true until after 10:30PM. You can also vote at abc.com until tomorrow morning.

Okay, so we all get my points about why I really want J.R. to win, right? Good. So now, I have some extra thoughts on the show, which I didn’t want to cloud my message from the first half of this column, which is, (in case you didn’t get it because I rambled on about Hope for a bit): PLEASE VOTE FOR J.R. AND KARINA!!! Here are those thoughts:

Hope Solo just plodded around, with her shoulders hunched over. She did the steps more-or-less correctly; she just can’t dance. Some people just have no dance ability, no matter how hard they try. I do think that Hope tried hard and gave it her all, but she just has no dancing talent. Most people don’t, as a matter of fact. Just go to a white person’s wedding. Or worse, bar mitzvah. (Although Jewish girls really can dance, for the most part.)

I know one or two people who try really hard in this category, as well, with no luck. I’m sure they think they can dance, but talk about denial. I know what I suck at, which is almost everything athletic, (except for pool, basketball, and volleyball,) and playing any instrument or singing. So why doesn’t everyone??? (Know what they suck at, not what I do!)

But I was shocked at what a bad sport Hope was! She and Maks did get screwed, though, with missing out on all the publicity afforded to the earlier-eliminated contestants. (No Jimmy Kimmel rant for them, no GMA, and most likely nothing else—the show had already moved on to promote their finalists. Rude. It’s the rush job that the first runners-up get at beauty pageants.)

A note regarding how J.R. Twisted his ankle last week: that’s why your not supposed to dance with sneakers on wooden floors! They just don’t give enough.

I’ve read tons of comments about Maks’ actions this season, on many sites, and I can really see both points. But I agree with the most prevalent view, which is that Carrie Anne is an unknowledgeable bi-atch and Maks is correct to speak his mind. Carrie Ann and Bruno Tonioli are not–I repeat, are not, ballroom dancers, so who are they to judge champions like Maks and the other pros??? Len Goodman is the only one on the panel who is qualified.

Some commenters have the same thought about Carrie Anne that’s occurred to me over the years, as well–that she has an unrequited crush on Maks, like girls in old-time romance comics, and that’s why she’s always ragging on him and talking down to him. Like last week when she reprimanded him, “You can smile all you want, Maks, but” blah blah blah. He wasn’t doing anything, but I think she just wants to try to create some drama with him. Get in line, honey!

I still want J.R to win because he deserves it, but over the last two weeks he’s lost me a bit with his way too intense intensity. He’s always been a good sport when he’s ahead of the pack, but not behind them. That’s the only part that’s unattractive about him. David Arquette would have laughed off the mistakes while privately agonizing over them.

Are we not supposed to notice that Bruce Jenner looks like a woman? Especially when he’s wearing two little diamond earrings, as opposed to hoops. And his wife looks like a man, so there you have it– their connection in a nutshell!

Also, this I’m sure is in the category of letting dead dogs lie, but I have to say it. I really believe that Robert Kardashian, Senior, knew that OJ killed his wife and Ron Goldman, (a guy who was starting a business with my friends, and whom I was supposed to meet the next week, by the way) and that Robert Sr. helped OJ cover it up, rather than report what he knew. I was really hoping that he would have been man enough to leave a note confirming (or even denying) that fact, to be opened upon his death. I could be wrong about it all, but I really don’t think so.

Okay, now that I’ve brought the room down a taste, I’m out of here. I have to gather all my phones to have ready to vote for J.R. and Karina tonight!

Tonight is Dancing With The Stars‘ next-to-last competition show of the season. The votes for this one determine the three couples who will be in the final next week.

So, once again I must beg you to vote for Hope Solo and Maks. Of course, like every other normal viewer, I’m pulling for J.R. Martinez to win. As I’ve stated several times this season, he is by far the best dancer, in addition to being the contestant who I feel deserves the victory on general principles.

I’m hoping that we can all safely assume that the top two celebs will be J.R. and Ricki Lake, which would be the correct outcome. But that leaves Hope Solo versus annoying Rob Kardashian for the third and final spot. And we cannot let those Kreepy Kardashians win!!!

As with just about everyone else who discusses this topic, I still don’t understand why that family is famous! I’ve never seen their show, and try to avoid wasting my time by reading about them, but from the bits I’ve witnessed on shows like DWTS, I don’t see anything to recommend them, on any level. They’re not funny, particularly intelligent, or entertaining in any way, and those girls’ voices offend my senses in every way.

And, it recently came to my attention that Kim did something sneaky and awful a few weeks ago. She tweeted (though, again, I can’t figure out just who would follow her,) “Justin Bieber’s phone #” and said to call him in the next hour. That would be evil enough if it were true, but what it really was was the DWTS number to vote for her brother Rob! That’s pretty devious and disgusting of her.

So, we can’t let that family get away with that kind of stunt now, can we? So, we must all vote for Hope and Maks. (I have another gossip-y reason that I want them in the final, so if you didn’t read my column about it last week, you can now, if you’re curious: www.itsnotaboutme.tv/news/2011/11/07/television-mid-season-tv-notes.)

So, here’s what you need to know for tonight’s vote (and you don’t even have to watch the show to vote): The phone number for Team Hope and Maks is 1-800-868-3408 and you can dial it from 8PM-10:30PM tonight. And each phone line is allowed only four votes, so it’s not a lot of work. (Don’t let them tell you that “your time zone is currently closed,” because it’s not true until after 10:30PM.) You can also vote at abc.com until tomorrow morning.

And that’s it! Then next week, if I don’t remind you, please vote for J.R. and Karina so that they win. And then just sit back and watch all the ensuing publicity and see how Maks and Karina handle having to travel together and talk to each other in public. [Note: You have to read last week's column to understand that last sentence, unless you already know about that backstage drama on your own.]

Every time I watch this show, new thoughts occur to me, usually negative ones, so, of course, I want to share them with you! Here are some:

I’m so sick of these erroneous voting messages! I always feel that if you’re watching these shows at all, which means that you’re at least somewhat interested in the outcomes, then you should vote. But the Dancing With The Stars voting system just sucks, on most levels.

I actually love that there’s not only a voting limit, but they let you know when you’ve reached it, so that you don’t have to keep count of your votes. (Some series’ just tell you that “only your first ten votes count,” so if you sit there mindlessly hitting those phone keys while you’re doing something else, it’s your responsibility to count.)

But, they have a policy that’s so stupid, not to mention unfair; they let the public start voting as soon as the show comes on, which means that you don’t even have to watch at all! The couples keep the same numbers all season, so, if you have your favorite, no matter how anyone performs, you can just vote for them. That makes it even more of a popularity contest than a dancing one than most people realize. Why don’t they just dispense with the dancing all together? Or the show, for that matter. Their website could just list a dozen supposed celebs and tell you to vote for the one you like best. Because that’s what it essentially comes down to, after all.

Not only that, but they make it hard for the people who do want to vote fairly, by having a very short voting window after the show!!! So, if you’re a little behind in the watching, you can’t even watch everyone in time to fairly vote. What is this? The fifties, where families sat in front of their TVs and watched in real time?

I can’t take Brooke Burke‘s stupid questions anymore. Her whole presence on the show bothers Mr. X, but I don’t mind her because she’s basically just a robot spitting out what’s on the teleprompter or what they tell her in her ear to say, thus she doesn’t get in the way much. But when it comes to the post-dance interviews, her inanity is like nails on a chalkboard to me. My teeth hurt just thinking of it.

Head judge, the dapper Len Goodman.

I’m also sick of judge Carrie Anne Inaba‘s stupid “lift” rules. She takes off a point if she thinks she sees a lift, which is dumb to begin with. The real dance judge, Len Goodman, doesn’t even do that! (BTW—what are Carrie Anne’s ballroom credentials??? her claim to fame is that she was a Fly Girl on some show in the 80s, which is hip-hop, not proper ballroom dance. Marilu Henner, who’s involved in that world for real, would have been a much better choice for judge to begin with, even though I’m not a fan of hers, either.) It’s not like the dancers are flaunting the rules and doing real lifts; Carrie penalizes them when someone’s foot comes off the floor by accident. What an annoying idiot she is.

On a similar note, since even Len and Bruno don’t like when dances don’t follow the exact outline for what a professional dance constitutes, the producers need to decide if dances have to be strict rules in that style or if they’re allowed to do stylized versions for entertainment purposes.

The adorable, and uber-talented, Derek Hough.

Ricki Lake is given much more credit than she deserves from the judges, and media, and idiots everywhere. But the credit should not go to her at all–it’s all Derek! Ricki’s partner, three-time champion of this show Derek Hough, could have won with Cloris Leachman! He’s the most brilliant choreographer and amazing dancer. All Ricki does (and the rest of his partners did) basically, is not get in his way. And he’s always careful to not out-dance his partners, so they kind-of blend in to him.

J.R. and Karina's Pink Panther number.

Conversely, J.R. Martinez does not get enough credit. He’s just as strong when he dances side-by-side with his pro partner, Karina Smirnoff, as when they’re in hold. And when they are in hold, he looks like the man, leading, and not just hanging on while the female pulls him along, or stand there while she dances around him. His Pink Panther routine this week was a perfect example of that; yet the judges told him it wasn’t good enough. He deserved thens, not two nines and an eight. Maybe they just don’t want to look like he’s their favorite. The producers know how many votes each duo gets and probably “encourage” the judges in certain directions.

And, lastly, two Chaz/Cher thoughts:

I think this week, when Cher watched Chaz dance to the theme from Rocky, we witnessed a never-before-seen occurrence from her. I think that, for a few minutes, she actually forgot that she was Cher. It’s probably the only real, non-self-conscious moment she’s ever had in public.

Also, has anyone else noticed that, rather than Chaz losing weight, like most of them do, his partner, Lacey Schwimmer, is gaining?! That’s the first time in thirteen seasons that I’ve seen something like that.

That’s it for now. But maybe next week, I’ll comment on what this week’s show will bring.

Even though there are still some new shows to debut later on this month, I felt it was time to weigh in with reviews of the Fall season so far. Here goes:

LOVING IT!

Ringer—my absolute favorite! I’m nervous the whole time. I’ve spent my whole life wishing I had a twin, but this series is making me re-think that desire.

Revenge—the perfect show! I love that even though the story is on-going, she gets a specific revenge every episode. So satisfying.

GOOD ENOUGH

New Girl—I would like it better if Mr. X didn’t keep pointing out that she’s ME!

Hart of Dixie—I like Rachel Bilson, but this one is just so formulaic! It’s basically the late, lamented Men In Trees, except in the south instead of the far north. And without the other’s charm. And, there are just so many holes in the premise, like how was the real father only sixty-nine??? He looked to be at least eighty! And the mother said that he was an “older man,” but she has to be at least sixty-five herself. That all is just weird. [Note: I checked and in real-life, Nicholas Pryor is seventy-six, but looks even older. And Jobeth Williams, the mother, is sixty-two, but looks older, as well.] But then again, this is the C.W., famous for having thirty-year-olds play high school kids. So there’s hope for me on the network!

Playboy Club—I know this is already cancelled, but I can’t see why. I’m into the murder mystery, the period appointments, and old-time music, like Lesley Gore, but I would think that males might be happy to see nice-looking girls prancing around in little, pointy bras. I guess with all the porn that’s readily available nowadays, this is nothing to them. And would everyone please back off Eddie Cibrian already!!! I never saw such hatred for two people (along with his new wife, Leann Rimes,) because they fell in love and left bad marriages for each other! For Pete’s sake, did people do this to Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton??? (I’m not comparing the level of celebrity; just that they were actors who did the same thing.)

Terra Nova—I was prepared to hate it because of the dinosaurs in the promos, and even had to force myself to watch it for the sake of review, but I was riveted to the pilot. I haven’t gotten to watch the second one yet, but I will. I love the use of color. It did get kind-of Lost-esque, with the “Sixers” instead of the “Others.” The Sixers are even sporting the Others’ old togs! But I’m going back for more, even though I don’t understand the supposed science behind it.

The X Factor—even though I feel they stole this name from Mr. X, who’s been in the public eye much longer than the original British show has, of course I’m giving it a whirl. I’m a sucker for musical talent shows. It’s basically American Idol with two new judges and the original auditions in front of a giant audience. And Simon’s nicer and Paula is a tad less annoying. But that’s it. I don’t like that they screwed original judge Cheryl Cole, and have yet another English host when it’s an American show. But LA Reid is so far the best judge on any of these shows ever. He just tells the truth and doesn’t add crap. Good for him.

Two Broke Girls—the chubby chick is funny, and surprisingly, the annoying one is too, in a way. I just hate the stupid horse business. It’s like when Ross had a monkey on Friends, but thank goodness that lasted only a few weeks.

Suburgatory—I’ve seen just one episode so far, but it made me laugh. Good enough.

JUST OKAY

Prime Suspect—I heard a promo for this show that said “nothing is old hat” about it. I added, “Except for the one on Maria Bello’s head.” It’s so stupid; it’s the same old, same old in police dramas, except that, because they gave her a stupid hat, filthy hair, and a gum addiction to replace her smoking one, they think that we’re stupid enough to think it’s anything different. People who like police shows will add this one to their list, and those who don’t, won’t. Period.

A Gifted Man—kind-of stupid, but not dreadful. I predict it will get canceled soon.

Person Of Interest–that wide-eyed, monotonic delivery worked perfectly for Michael Emerson as the main villain on  Lost, but on this show it’s just annoying. Especially paired with Jim Caviezel’s similar style. It’s like they’re both channeling Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry, only without the success. That will be hard to take on a weekly basis. Even on a monthly one!

THOUGHT IT WAS CRAP, BUT I’M GOING BACK FOR MORE

Secret Circle–at least for a few weeks until they lose me with too much crazy witchcraft.

Pan Am—while I always love period pieces, (except for the bad movies that I’ve been in–don’t ask,) Pan Am basically sucks. I love seeing what olden times were like, and assume that decades as recent as the 60s are correctly portrayed. One of the opening scenes in the pilot, in the terminal with all the stewardesses in blue, was gorgeous, but that’s where my enjoyment of the show ended. There’s nothing else on at that time on Sunday, and after watching The Good Wife, I’m craving another hour drama, so I’ll stick with it. For the few weeks until it’s cancelled, that is!

How To Be A Gentleman—since I first wrote this, it’s been cancelled, with the rest of the episodes that were already shot being shown on the hell that is Saturday night. (The good news is that now the wonderful Rules Of Engagement, that’s survived despite numerous time-slot changes, while get the empty Thursday night spot after Big Bang Theory. Yay!) The main guy, who was also the creator, writer, and producer, just wasn’t cutting it as an actor, and has a horrible voice, to boot! The annoying I-just-ate-a-lemon-faced Mary Lynn Rajskub was annoying, too. But, I watched the whole mess just to see the wonderful Rhys Darby of Flight Of The Concordes. That guys can’t utter one word without getting laughs! Love him! Give him his own show, or at least one with a more prominent part. As a matter of fact, I think Ricky Gervais should be the one to write it!

THE NETWORK OWES ME MY TIME BACK, INCLUDING WRITING THESE WORDS

Whitney—while watching the first episode, Mr. X said, “This show is so long!!!” Whitney herself is too big in her acting, and the lead guy is too small. And neither is attractive. His hair is so dirty. And did he ever hear of a razor???

See what I mean about that hairline?

Charlie’s Angels—just vomit. No one on here can act! And what’s up with Minka Kelly’s weird hairline and horrible nasal voice? (And does she also have a speech impediment?) I hate to say it, but I can see why Derek Jeter broke up with her. I just wonder how he could bear listening to her for all those years.

Free Agents—watching two people as unattractive as the leads having sex made me nauseous from minute one. The girl is actually really funny, though–just not on this show. And I’ve never been a fan of the full-of-himself-seeming Hank Azaria.

Up All Night—I’m sad to say that this is unwatchable because I loved Christina Applegate on the shouldn’t-have-been-cancelled Samantha Who. They should have just brought that one back. Mr. X thinks that Will Arnett is funny, but, having seen him on this one and his cancelled-last-season show that I don’t even remember the name of, he has never made me even crack a smile.

Unforgettable—I wish the network had forgotten this show! Mr. X pointed out that every line uttered by star Poppy Montgomery has the same value. And she pauses after every single line! It’s torture to watch. It’s your basic procedural cop show, but I can’t watch it because of her bad acting. P.S. I have almost one of those memories, which is great for the good ones, and so sad for the bad ones. And the way it’s portrayed is not even close to correct!!! We don’t stand in a space to picture what we forgot. That’s just stupid.

H8R—this one’s already cancelled, too. I normally wouldn’t watch crap like this, but one of my celebrity crushes, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, was on it, facing his “hater,” who was a stupid, unattractive, boring girl, with no personality, who was obviously just trying to get to meet him. He should have been the one H8-ing her! (And probably was.)

As I said during my guest spot doing celebrity gossip on the internet radio show Daytime With Donna, on the day that I was announced as the winner of the Best Celebrity Gossip Correspondent competition, here’s what I think this season of Dancing With The Stars will come down to, which will be most interesting:

Karina and J.R.

Pro Karina Smirnoff and her partner, frontrunner J.R. Martinez, will be in the finals with her ex-fiance Maksim Chmerikovskiy and his partner, athlete Hope Solo. Which means they’ll have to do the post-finale press tour together in close quarters, with only one other couple around. It appears that they don’t talk to each other, judging by all the shows since they broke up, and never even politely hug each other during eliminations, like everyone else does. The whole last week or two of the series this season will be so uncomfortable to watch, and for them to live, if I’m correct. Wish I could fast forward to November right now!!! So, everyone, please keep voting for those two, just so we can watch the results, like a lab experiment!!!

Now, this week’s thoughts:

I don’t like one of them going home after just one dance.  I know it depends on the network schedule each season, but it’s just not fair.

I wish that Elisabetta whatever her name is had been the one eliminated first last night, except I would have felt awful for her partner, Maks’ brother Val, who’s waited about a decade to get on the show. My second choice for elimination was that obnoxious Kardashian guy, but I was still fine with my third choice, Ron Artest, being the one to get the boot. He would have probably been entertaining as the weeks went on, but he can’t dance! And it always seemed like someone at the show was trying to get his pro partner, Peta, on the show, which I found that to be annoying. I won’t miss her.

So, here are my observations of the first competition from two nights ago:

Tom Bergeron colored his hair since last season. Good move.

Brooke Burke has added her husband’s last name…for now. I guess she’ll change it back when they inevitably break up due to her success.

And, doesn’t it look like she’s had some face work done? I wonder if she went to her ex-husband, plastic surgeon Garth Fisher, to do it?

I have nothing against Chaz Bono, and actually applaud anyone who’s brave enough to transgender. I can’t imagine the hell those people go through. I haven’t even been brave enough to get a nose job!!! But it’s weird to me that fashion and beauty icon Cher wound up with a son instead of a daughter and he’s not even attractive.  And he has Sonny’s voice!!!  Which is weird since Cher’s has always been the deeper one.

Ron Artest can not dance.  And how does he have a sticking-out stomach?  He does have the distinction, though, of being the first active NBA player ever to compete on the show, which is due only to the lock-out so far this season. The guys are usually playing at this time, so they can’t appear anywhere else. Guess Ron, or Metta, his new name, will have a lot of time on his hands now.

What a primarily douchey cast.

I hate to admit it, but Rob Kardashian had a joy about him, and gave it his all.  He was actually not painful to watch, like Ron was.

There was no reason to redo the studio. Why make the contestants have to go up all those steps after they just worked their asses off dancing???  And the other competitors have to look down on the ones in the spotlight. Just an uncomfortable floor plan overall.

What was Mark Ballas’ hair doing???

As usual, Mark out-danced his partner, which Derek Hough would never do. I’ve never disliked Mark, like so many commenters do, but I think I’m finally joining them this season.

I’m thrilled for Tony Dovalani to finally have a quality partner in Chynna Phillips this season!  After creepy lummox Kate Gosselin and even creepier, more lummox-y Wendy Williams, he deserves Chynna.

Nancy and Tristan.

Nancy Grace was so much better than I expected, (although also much shorter and fatter than I expected,) especially after seeing her rehearsals.  The judges didn’t give her enough credit.  I still don’t know why she would put herself up for this, though.

Her Irish partner, Tristan, I think it is, appears to be an adorable guy.

Carrie Anne was impressed by the body contact of soccer goalie Hope Solo and her pro partner, the sexy Maks.  Who wouldn’t have contact with that body of his???

The music each duo gets makes such a difference.

Anna choreographed a perfect dance for nutty, (in a good way,) Carson Kressely.

Lacey and Chaz.

J.R. Martinez–talk about making the best of a bad situation! What an amazing guy.  How can you not root for him?  But he was the best once out there, fair and square.

As usual, Derek made his partner look great.  He’s not there for flirting or fun and games. And Ricki Lake told him thank you immediately, which I loved seeing. But I am rooting against him this year because I want J.R. To win. Or at least, Maks.

They saved Chaz till the end for the people who tuned in solely out of morbid curiosity.

Chaz actually has his mom’s rhythm! (Take it any way you like.)  And he does look like a guy.  I give Lacey Schwimmer tons of credit for acting totally normal with him, like she would with any other guy. You go, girl!

Peace, I’m out of here. For now.